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Monthly Archives: October 2011

First- Generation Immigrant’s Story!

26 Wednesday Oct 2011

Posted by Tahereh Barati, PhD in Reflection

≈ 2 Comments

A few weeks ago, I went to a concert at Harbour Front Theatre.  The concert was called Karevan.  It was very different from other concerts; it included a performer/ dancer, a group of musicians, and a video clip. The dancer/performer embodied the theme of ‘home’. Through her movements, she showed how life in North America is like and is different from other countries’.  There were some interviews in the video; a few immigrants were asked to share their ideas about ‘where home is’. Each person answered the question in a very unique way. For instance, one said “home is where my grandma is and where I remember my house and streets”; another one said “home is where I am comfortable, where I feel relaxed”; another person said ” home is where my heart is, where I am loved.” ; and the other person said “there is no home for me because I experience living in two places” .  Very thought provoking and inspiring interviews!

The movements of the dancer, the interviews and the music made me think of ‘home’ and how subjective its definition is.  The immigrants who were interviewed came from different countries and have been living in Toronto for many years.   My thinking didn’t stop during the intermission. My friends and I reflected on the theme during the intermission. As we were talking about the comments immigrants made,  one of my friends shared her views and said this: “To me ‘home’ is like having a chair to sit on.  I had a chair; however, when I migrated to Canada, I was given another chair.  So I believe an immigrant has two chairs to sit on!” She went on and said: ” I can’t sit on only one chair, I have to sit right in the middle of both chairs if I want to keep them both. I know it is hard to keep both.”

My friend’s story stayed with me for hours and days. It changed my view on Immigration and its impact on people.   It is a close analogy that I have ever learned about immigration!  It is not easy to let go of one and it is not easy to immerse onto another one without losing some parts of self… It is the dilemma that some immigrants have…

Next time when you talk to a first generation immigrant, remember this analogy. Try to understand her/his position without any judgment; pay attention to what this view bring to you and your relationship.

If you know immigrants who experience this dilemma, please feel free to pass on my info – www.taherehbarati.com– and encourage them to contact me.

Happy possibilities!

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Reflection on a Client’s Feedback

13 Thursday Oct 2011

Posted by Tahereh Barati, PhD in Reflection

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“ You are not doing anything particular but things are changing in my family”, how is it possible? He says.

One of my clients, Jon, said to me, “you don’t seem to be doing anything particular but things are changing in my family.  My daughter, Amy,  is doing better and her relationship with her mother, Jane, is stronger. Our concerns are no longer concerns, how is it possible?’ I smiled and then talked about the process of Narrative Practice Therapy.

Jon’s statement made me preoccupied all night. I remembered what Sue Kim Berg, co-founder of Solution-Focused Therapy, said. She said: ‘’Not to leave footprints in people’s lives while working with them on their concerns”. Thank you Jon for confirming it.

The next day I shared it with my colleague. She looked at me first and didn’t say anything.  After a few moments of silence, she told me a story from her trip to Baffin Island. She was there last summer for a few weeks taken some courses.

She said this: “I was in a small Inuit commnity speaking with some elders and one elder woman in the group looked at me and said in a gentle voice: ‘ you are experts.  All of you are experts in down south.  First you come and take us off the land and teach us how to live, because we didn’t know how.  Then you come and observe us and write books about us. You taught us to be good parents. Now, you come back to treat our children’”.

She was quiet for a few moments and said, “isn’t it wonderful that your client didn’t feel the same as this elder woman? What would have been possible to indigenous people if those, who stepped into their lives,  hadn’t left any footprints? ”  We began to review the history of our profession which made us reflect on how we work with people!

We talked and talked. We appreciated Michael White, co-founder of Narrative Therapy Practice, and his contribution to the field of psychotherapy and counselling. We were grateful for what Michael and Sue made possible for us to know that wouldn’t otherwise.

Yes, it is powerful when our conversations with people don’t reduce their description of self, their values and beliefs.

Yes, it is impactful when we become more respectful to the ways people live their lives.

Yes, it is wonderful to have a perspective/ approach that is respectful to all voices and that is curious to learn more about people’s ideas and resources.

Yes, it is important not to act as experts but use our expertise to nurture people’s knowledges to reconnect with their own inner resources.

Yes, it is powerful to have conversations with people regardless of their ages, genders, cultures, religions, and all other forms of isms.

Yes, it is necessary to flatten the hierarchal system and connect with people differently.

Yes, it is beautiful to have this opportunity to touch people’s lives.

Yes, it is …

If you would like to learn more about my approach, please visit my website at www.taherehbarati.com and come visit me.

Happy possibilities!

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Gloria Steinem’s story

07 Friday Oct 2011

Posted by Tahereh Barati, PhD in Audio, Interview

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“We live with narrative and imagery not statistics; that is why i want to tell my story….”, Gloria Steinem says.

An uncut interview with Gloria Steinem that aired today with Jian Ghomeshi @ Q.

Personal And political. (Audio – 42mins)

http://www.cbc.ca/q/blog/2011/10/07/gloria-steinem-on-q-uncut/

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Mary and John’s Story!

01 Saturday Oct 2011

Posted by Tahereh Barati, PhD in sharing success stories

≈ Leave a comment

Mary and John came to my office in the past fall. Both looked discouraged and were doubtful of their decision to come to the couple counseling session.

We began our conversation by talking about their concerns and hopes for the counseling sessions. Both talked about their efforts to make things better in their couple relationship.  They said that not getting a preferred result made them feel frustrated, disappointed and doubtful. They felt it was hard to release their couple relationship from the grip of the problems.

They were concerned about their difficulty in listening to each other. They said “we work against each other. If one of us does something for the other one, the other party takes it negatively. We have become defensive and comfortable in retaliating, which hurt us more. Our intention is to fix the problem but any attempts we make works against us.”

Mary and John said, “We want to bring back what we used to have but it seems to be impossible”. They described how they met, what they liked about each other; what they appreciated about each other and what caused them to feel distanced and hurt.

They said “we used to have a strong emotional connection, but it seems to be all gone; our trust and faith on each other have gone down; anything we do is a problem for another one”. They were both in tears when they discovered how they were affected by ‘the emotional disconnection’.

They both expressed their commitment to do their best to understand how ‘the emotional disconnection’ was formed and how their actions and thinking contributed and fueled its formation. They wanted to be able to reconnect with one another again.

Despite their commitment to each other, Mary said she doesn’t have a faith that she would get the desired outcome. Mary expressed doubts about their abilities to repair their relationship.  We spent a few sessions talking about what values Mary and John gave to their relationship. John and Mary shared their understanding and knowledge of each other and both were encouraged to search for their commonalities.  Both identified their shared values as determination, persistence, honesty, and making things work.  Our conversation led to the exploration of shared responsibility for what was done in the past. They both became interested in reconciliation and forgiveness.   They were asked to listen to each other as if their best friend were talking to them. They were able to hear each other differently.  Consequently they said they had a breakthrough and an epiphany.

The couple agreed to work together again; they wanted to bring back what they used to have. Mary and John shared stories that were evident of the times they experienced pain, hardship and joy together.

On the second last session, Mary and John came to my office with their son, Jimmy.  They said ‘we want to hear what Jimmy has to say and what he noticed about our family interactions’.  Jimmy was an 18-year-old boy going to university.

Jimmy shared his understanding of the recent developments in his parents’ interactions. He said that he was surprised to see that they were not talking at each other anymore. He was pleased with the absence of ‘arguments, competition, anger, and disappointments’ in the family.  He said: “ they look happy with each other; they make me feel good about myself; their happiness makes me feel good about being part of this family; my relationship with my dad improved a lot; he spends time with me and asks me about school; he gives me advice that I think every son needs to get from his dad; my mom looks happier; she doesn’t cry anymore; she talks to me calmly; I feel good talking to my parents; I am not ashamed of being their son anymore”.

Mary and John also noticed some changes in Jimmy’s behaviors. They said, “ Jimmy stays home now; he invites his friends home; he tells us what he is up to; it feels that we are more involved with each other’s lives”.

We met for one more session to close our meetings.  Mary and John told me what helped them rebuild their couple relationship. They said, ‘ We learned that it wasn’t OK with us to give up on what is important to us; we learned to synchronize our intentions and behaviors to save our relationship. We did not let our relationship die which makes us proud of ourselves”.

It was agreed that their wisdom and knowledge would be passed on to other couples that have similar difficulties in their lives.

If you would like to rebuild your couple relationship; or if you know anyone who would like to do so, please come visit me. For further info, please visit my website at www.taherehbarati.com

Looking forward to having a conversation with you!

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