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Monthly Archives: January 2013

Why Conflict?

27 Sunday Jan 2013

Posted by Tahereh Barati, PhD in Articles

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100% for or aganist, awareness, collaboration, conflict, conflict prevention, cooperation, devotion, extremism, gridlocks, human knoweldge, human relationships, multiplicity, political gridlocks, reflection, relational gridlocks, religion, stepping back, truth

Why do you think people get into a heated talk? Why and how is Conflict formed in relationship? Is it possible people talk about serious issues without experiencing Conflict?

I think there is only one condition that forms, fuels and escalates Conflict in human relationships; and that is Zone of Extremism.

I believe conflict is a byproduct of our extreme positions on issues that matter to us.  We may have lots of reasons to become for or against an idea but when we enter into a debate or conversation, it is important to be open to others’ points of views.  The belief that the position we take is the only way, the only truth, and the best, leads us to experience conflict.  This is what i call the zone of extremism. The zone that brings more harm to relationships than good; the zone that locks us into polarized positions and the zone that make us stuck in a gridlock for a long period of time.  So

  • When we only talk about the extreme condition of situations
  • When we exaggerate outcomes or consequences of actions or beliefs
  • When we hold the opposite stance much longer than it needed
  • When we hold 100% for or against position on an idea during the entire conversion
  • When we don’t deliberately switch our positions to see things from the other party’s point of view,

We are entering into a zone that supports formation, maintenance and escalation of conflicts between two parties in personal, social and political relationships.

The solution may seem to be apparent, however it is not easily doable.  What makes avoiding conflict difficult is the influence of the zone of extremism on both parties involved in conversations. When two persons enter into this zone, they become locked into a position- 100% for /against-  which doesn’t allow them to be open and see things from different perspectives.

Awareness is required prior to entering into conversation, when two parties begin to share their points of views on serious matters. To develop awareness and consciousness, we need to consider paying attention to the following to prevent a formation of conflict:

  • Enter into conversation with a decision that you would give ‘benefit of doubt’ to the other party’s talk
  • Enter into conversation to share ideas not to convince others
  • Take a listening position that allows you to hear the other party’s ideas
  • Stay away from the zone of extremism which leads to dogmatism and division
  • Make a deliberate decision to reduce your 100% devotion to an idea to give room to another party to express herself/ himself.

Hope we experience fewer conflicts in our daily conversations with one another. Remember, there is some truth in every idea; everything that we know about ourselves and our conditions is part of our collective human knowledge; and human knowledge is not complete.

Happy Possibilities,

Tahereh Barati, M.A, RMFT

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Relationship as Witness!

20 Sunday Jan 2013

Posted by Tahereh Barati, PhD in Articles

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connection, human, loss, relatedness, relational, relationships, witness, witnessing

A person is born in a community of others, lives in a community of others and dies in a community of others. No one can survive outside of relationships. We live in real virtual or imaginative relationships. Relationships create us, define our identities, and form our way of living.

When one finds himself/herself in relationships, either by luck, accident, association or intention, one pays attention to the degree of relatedness, commonalities and differences between her/himself and others.

Ability to become one’s witness in life is embedded in our relational nature of being. When opportunity presents itself, two people meet, engage and celebrate each others’ participation in life.

Witnessing begins and continues as long as two people allow and want to become involved with one another. Witnessing may perceive as an action that depends on how long a relationship lasts and how open two persons are together. Experience of loss is a sign of losing a witness in life. That is why it is hard for people to cope with loss. It also speaks to the importance of having a witness in one’s life. The act of witnessing remains and continues in one’s life even when a relationship ends. Even though a relationship ends, its memories remain alive in one’s life history. We want others (dead or alive) to watch and be with us when we rise up or fall down.

Allow yourself to be open to others; let yourself become a witness in someone’s life; let others be a witness in your life journey. Don’t be afraid of impermanence nature of relationship, remember every relationship is an invitation to new possibilities. Give permission to others to become part of your life as a witness. Happy relating and witnessing,

Happy Possibilities,

Tahereh Barati, M.A, RMFT

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Life of Immigrant- Reflection!

16 Wednesday Jan 2013

Posted by Tahereh Barati, PhD in Articles, Reflection

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adaptaiton, adjustment, configuration, embracing new possiblities, hope, immigration, immirgant, impartiality, leap of faith, let go of, life of immigrant, multiple realities, multiplicity, reformation

Immigration sounds to be an ideal choice to many people who live in conditions that produces and reproduces suffering and sadness. The experience of immigration has to be viewed as a personal political cultural and social event in one’s life. Leaving a familiar and known condition and moving into an unfamiliar and unknown environment takes risk, adventure and faith. Immigration is a significant life- changing event in one’s life that requires commitment, openness and adaptation. Immigration, like divorce, is a powerful force that reshapes one’s identity.

When one is migrated to a new country, his life including his social family professional networks as well as his employment situation is disrupted. One’s university degrees may be recognized or obtained, job opportunities becomes available, home/ apartment is furnished and a new circle of friends and professional networks are formed but what never gets replaced is the continuity of having a ‘witness’ in one’s life who knows him through his life.

I usually use the analogy of ‘U’ to describe the process of reconfiguration and reformation of life of an immigrant. ‘U’ symbolizes how life of an immigrant is re-constructed from the moment that s/he decides to leave his/her country to the moment that s/he feels settled in the new country.

Like anything else in life, after months of enjoying the new condition, the harsh reality kicks in. The U journey begins with a drastic downhill, continues with staying below the surface until one finds a way out, then continues with going uphill, which may take years, until it reaches back to the surface and moves towards a preferred direction. The gap between two surfaces (life before and after immigration) is his/her unique life story that has to be told, storied and understood!

When one is experiencing the U-shaped journey, his/her social networks in the birth country may not be able to understand his/her challenges in the adopted country and his/her close friends in the adopted country may remain puzzled about stories of his/her past life experiences that led to his/her immigration. Surprisingly, what both groups have in common is their impartial knowledge of an immigrant as a person.

An immigrant gradually learns to be OK with others’ impartial knowledge of self; no one’s understanding of others is complete; perhaps that is how ‘the light gets in’. As we become more comfortable with not- knowing and impartial understanding of one another, we learn to be with each other and assemble moments of togetherness.

When i reflect on my journey of reconfiguration and reformation, i see it as an opportunity/invitation to become part of something larger than self. Although this invitation may taste unpleasant; particularly, when one struggles in his/her U shaped journey; it becomes a precious and priceless experience in one’s life.

Let’s embrace moments of connection; let’s stay real and impartial; let’s give ourselves permission to be OK with not- knowing. Let’s become more active in storing and restoring our past and present; let’s join together to co-create our past, present and future!

Happy Possibilities!

Tahereh Barati, M.A, RMFT

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New Year’s EVE Pics! Happy 2013!!!

01 Tuesday Jan 2013

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Good bye 2012, Happy 2013, Hello 2013, New Year, New Year's EVE

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Posted by Tahereh Barati, PhD | Filed under Photos

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