Monthly Archives: March 2013

‘Fellini’s Casanova’ & Culture of Patriarchy!

31 Sunday Mar 2013

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Movies are venues to express cultural beliefs and exhibit clashes in ideas and beliefs that have been dominated/subordinated in our culture.

I recently watched one of Fellini’s movies; ‘Fellini’s Casanova’. It was directed by Federico Fellini and starring Donald Sutherland.  It is  a stunning movie showing how the ‘culture of patriarchy’ governs man’s life and his interactions with women.

As I watched the movie, many thoughts and ideas were running into my head.  The movie reignited my thinking of ‘the culture of patriarchy’ and of its effects on men and women and their relationships with one another. I began to list the problems with the ‘culture of patriarchy’ and would like to share with you some of them. They are the following:

a) Patriarchal culture promotes ‘power over’.  It doesn’t give men a space to be part of relationship but it makes him feel/think/act above the relationship.

b) Patriarchal culture exempts men from emotions; it disconnects men from who he is, as a person, in relationship; it doesn’t allow men to be vulnerable.

c) Patriarchal culture uses ‘shame’ as a controlling technique to keep men align with its principles.

The ‘culture of patriarchy’ denies and exaggerates parts of manhood/ person-hood. It injects ‘false empowerment’ to men when it supports ‘power over’ in relationship. The damaging consequence of ‘false empowerment’ is the reproduction of disconnection; disconnection that leads to isolation, lack of empathy and lack of accountability.

In patriarchal culture, men are emptied of realtionality and then filled with stuff (false empowerment, entitlement and disconnection) and sent out to be in relationship. How could one connect with another one when s/he is not relationally able to be/feel connected with others? It is a tough expectation.

Therefore, any failure brings ‘shame’ to one’s life and makes him further isolated and disconnected.   The cycle of ‘disconnection’ is perpetuated in the patriarchal culture; its intention is to keep men disconnected from himself and others.

We need to begin to talk openly about its consequences on our men and women. We need to become more aware of what it has done to our relationships with one another. We need to begin a new movement to eliminate ‘the culture patriarchy’ and re-create a culture that values and promotes ‘connection’.  We need to support ‘relational culture’ that equally respects participation and collaboration of men and women in relationship.

The antidote to ‘the culture of patriarchy’ is to learn and teach ourselves and our next generations new principles such as: ‘connection (think relationally), empathy (feel relationally), and accountability (act relationally)’ in relationship.

Happy Possibilities!

Tahereh Barati, M.A, RMFT

‘relational beings’.

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Who benefits?

25 Monday Mar 2013

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In my conversations with clients, i invite people to give attention to who benefits from problems, conflicts and troubles that people have in life. This particular invitation gives us opportunities to look at problems from an unexpected angle that we possibly won’t pay attention to.

When shedding light on this angle, i notice people begin to view their problems differently. I believe sometimes expanding people’s view on problem- whatever it may be-, and looking at conflicts and troubles from unexpected angels bring new possibilities to people that wouldn’t have been possible otherwise.

Regardless of problems – from personal to international- let’s try to see problems/ conflicts from unconventional angles; let’s make effort to search for ‘absent but implicit’ in people’s intentions; let’s have conversations that fit with people’s cultural and belief systems and let’s not impose our traditions of thinking and beliefs on others.

Happy Possibilities!

Tahereh Barati, M.A, RMFT

Why Question? Controlling others or Connecting with others!

20 Wednesday Mar 2013

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People ask each other many questions but what do those questions mean to each of us? How do we understand and interpret questions? How do questions affect us and our relationships with one another?

Asking questions is a skill and the intention behind questions is as important as questions.  I always wonder if our intention for asking questions is related to ‘controlling behaviours’ or if it is related to our desire to ‘connect’ with one another. How would you differentiate these two intentions?

I came to realize that questions that lead to ‘controlling behaviors’ have specific characteristics. They tend to be direct, intrusive, violating one’s space; they are more critical of the other person and they somehow are not genuine. Questions that lead to ‘connection’ tend to be more invitational, motivational and encouraging; they are accompanied with curiosity to discover more about the other person.

I learned that questions with the intention of ‘connection’ make a person feel respected and accepted.  They open up space for dialogue and conversations; they become venues for exchanging ideas and receiving acknowledgment and they become platforms for further engagement with one’s life.

I also learned that questions with the intention of ‘controlling’ tend to produce fear, intimidation and doubts. They make one feel interrogated, disrespected and violated. They close down conversations; they reinforce the power relations and they reproduce further disconnection.

If our intention of asking questions is to strengthen our connection to and further our understanding of the other person, it seems that it is important to close a gap between our intention and our practice of asking questions. When our intention and our way of questioning are aligned, we move towards a direction of experiencing ‘connection’ otherwise, inadvertently, we may reproduce ‘disconnection’ in relationship.

Do you think becoming aware of your intention could make a difference in the way we ask questions or the way we position ourselves to others? What other things do you think you need to pay attention to when asking questions?

Looking forward to your reflection,

Happy Possibilities!

Tahereh Barati, M.A, RMFT

Reflection on Conversation- Fest!

18 Monday Mar 2013

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As I reflect on the conference, an image of diamond comes to mind; a diamond with lots of angles. Angles that are masterfully connected and interconnected; angles that are identifiable and distinct; angles that are beautiful and multi- dimensional; and angles that make my dialogues and monologues alive and enriching.

One thousand conversations are with me and are multiplied as i look back and review my experience of the conference.  Such a powerful phenomena!

Happy Possibilities!

Tahereh Barati, M.A, RMFT

Why Controlling Behaviours?

12 Tuesday Mar 2013

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In my conversations with people who defined themselves as ‘controlling’ or ‘recovering from controlling habits’, i came to realize that controlling behaviours are not what we can recover from; controlling behaviours are expressions of what one gives value to. Controlling behaviours are indications of how one positions himself in relationship. Controlling behaviours are expressions of misuse of power, pursuit of single ‘truth’, and a need for certainty.

To me, relationship defines two people; relationship is a great container for two people to relate to one another. When two parties don’t give value to their relationship that holds them, they are more likely driven by behaviours that self- interested and self-centered; behaviours that are not relationship- centered.

We live in a society that promotes individualistic values and that prescribes self- centered ideologies in life. Individualistic values tend to allow individuals to stay focused on and take care of their own benefits when they are in relationship. This tendency to safeguard one’s own interests, only, is the reason for the presence of controlling behaviours in relationship.

The individualistic culture allows controlling behaviours to exist in relationship and supports individuals to exercise their power over another one.   Consequently, what happens is that relationship suffers and individuals feel disconnected from one another and individuals go in a separate way.

The alternative idea to have relational approach; to think relationally, to privilege the benefits of being part of relationship and to act/ respond relationally to support  one’s relationship with one another.  Relational responses allow individuals to take care of their relational interests instead of falling into a power struggle pattern and exhibiting controlling behaviours in relationship.

Happy Possibilities!

Tahereh Barati, M.A, RMFT

Conversation-Fest 2013!

05 Tuesday Mar 2013

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A new conference is coming up that I would like to encourage you to attend if you haven’t signed up yet. It is called Conversation- Fest 2013. This conference is collaborated and co-hosted by Houston Galveston Institute and the Hincks Dellcrest Centre. See the link for further information: http://thewindsofchange.ca/en/

As you may know, there is always room for discussion and conversation on issues that matter to us. Complex issues -that we, practitioners, face in our therapeutic work with clients or with our colleagues or within the field of psychotherapy- need to be discussed and examined in a safe and respectful environment. This conference, i believe, is a great forum for sharing and exchanging ideas that could affect our livelihood as a person and as a practitioner.

In the recent years, new therapeutic approaches have emerged. New approaches that offer us perspectives and lenses on ‘how to’ talk about issues that matter to us. The new approaches are collaborative and relational approaches; they use non- pathalogizing language; and they promote the ‘not- knowing’ posture / position in therapeutic relationships.

Attending the conference, like Conversation- Fest 13, allows us to be more engaged in the dialogical process of exchanging knowledge; it allows us to have new understanding of what people experience in the process of therapy; it facilitates the development of new applications of collaborative, relational and narrative ideas in a variety of contexts.

The conference such this is an opportunity to invite, share and reflect on ‘hot and tough’ issues that we, practitioners, encounter in our work on a daily basis and that affect vicariously on our therapeutic relationships with clients.

I am very happy to be part of this conference. I will be having a presentation titled ‘story, documentation, change’; it is a presentation on the importance of documentation in the field of psychotherapy. I will be linking its importance to the recent ideas in therapy.  I will share stories of clients as well as their reflection on Narrative documentation.  My presentation is inspired by social constructionist ideas and Narrative therapy principles.  Looking forward to seeing you there.

Looking forward to making new connections and reconnecting with my colleagues and friends at the conference!

Happy Possibilities!

Tahereh Barati, M.A, RMFT