Tag Archives: awareness

Why Conflict? (Re-post)

10 Friday Jun 2016

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I thought I would re-post this post as I see the presence of unnecessary suffering due to the unnecessary conflicts in human relationships. Hope you find it useful.

Why do you think people get into a heated talk? Why and how is Conflict formed in a relationship? Is it possible people communicate and resolve differences without hatred and resentment?

I think the condition that forms, fuels and escalates Conflict in human relationships our collective inability to enter into the Zone of Extremism.

I believe the long-lasting conflict in human relationships is a byproduct of our extreme positions/stances on issues that matter to us.  We may have lots of reasons to become ‘for or against’ an idea but when we enter into a conversation, it is important to be open to others’ point of views.  The belief that the stance we take is the only way, the only truth, and the best solution, leads us to conflicts.  This is what i call ‘the zone of extremism’. The zone that brings us harm than good; the zone that locks us into polarized positions and the zone that make us stuck in a gridlock for a long time.

These are the possible conditions for entering into the ‘zone of Extremism’:

  • When we only talk about the extreme condition of situations
  • When we exaggerate outcomes or consequences of actions or beliefs
  • When we hold the opposite stance much longer than it needed
  • When we hold 100% for or against position on an idea during the entire conversion
  • When we don’t deliberately switch our positions to see things from the other’s point of view.

The solution may seem to be apparent, however, it is difficult to achieve at times.  What makes it difficult is the influence of ‘the zone of extremism’ on both parties involved in conversations.  Awareness is required prior to entering into any conversation. To develop awareness and consciousness, we need to consider paying attention to the following:

  • Give ‘benefit of doubt’ to the other party’s talk
  • Share ideas without attempting to convince the other
  • Take a listening position to hear the other party’s ideas
  • Stay away from dogmatism and division (the zone of extremism)
  • Make deliberate intentional efforts to reduce your 100% devotion/loyalty to your stance. This way the other party is better able to express herself/ himself.

Remember, there is some truth in every idea; everything that we know about ourselves and our conditions is part of our collective human knowledge; and human knowledge is NOT complete, pure, and absolute.

Happy Possibilities,

Tahereh Barati, RMFT

Why Trust is Worth it!

06 Thursday Nov 2014

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Reflecting on the recent events in our social world, i became more aware of the importance of Trust and its impact on our relationships with one another.

This video explained beautifully why Trust is worth it. Enjoy!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cWypWe9UAhQ

Happy Possibilities,

Tahereh Barati

Poverty of Spirit!

15 Sunday Jun 2014

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A poor man asked the Buddha,

“Why am I so poor?”

The Buddha said, “You donot learn to give.”

So the poor man said, “If I’m not having anything?”

Buddha said: “You have a few things:

The Face, which can give a smile;

The Mouth, you can praise or comfort others;

The Heart, it can open up to others;

The Eyes, who can look the other with the eyes of goodness;

The Body, which can be used to help others.”

So, actually we are not poor at all.

Poverty of spirit is the real poverty.

 

Happy Possibility,

Tahereh Barati

 

Gifts of Spiritual Journey 7!

18 Friday Oct 2013

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In this journey, my backpack was my life.  Everything inside the backpack was important to me.  The more i walked, the more i realized the importance of what i was carrying or what i needed to let go of.

Backpack is a symbolic analogy for what we carry in our life on a daily basis; memories from past, childhood, and relationships with parents, friends, coworkers and partners. During the course of life, there is a lot thrown at us and we automatically collect and put them in our backpack.  We often claim what we mentally or physically carry in our life as our own belonging. Are they?

In this journey I learned that no one else is going to carry my backpack for me; i have to learn to befriend with my own backpack and choose what to carry and what not to. Eventually, It is up to us to make our backpack lighter or heavier in this unpaved road of life.

When we begin to evaluate what we carry, something magnificent happens. When we choose what to carry and what not to, we learn to be OK with what is in the backpack. Acceptance, self -acceptance and self -worth begin to shape; expectations begin to fade away; patience and tolerance become more available; and appreciation and support become more essential in life journey.

Therefore, one learns to become further responsible for his/her own backpack and carry it peacefully without any complaints and resentment. My body learned to be accustomed to its weight and my commitment to carry my own backpack became stronger day after day.

Carrying our own backpack requires balance, consciousness, and awareness. It is about becoming comfortable with letting go of what is not needed. It is about negotiating memories/ items – what to keep and what to let go of; it is about allowing ourselves to fly into uncharted territories with the backpack we carry.

Happy Possibilities!

Tahereh Barati, M.A, RMFT

Someone said Evil Eye! What is it?

08 Monday Apr 2013

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I had a lovely talk with a friend who was very excited about her recent achievements. As she was sharing her success stories, she mentioned her worries for the presence of ‘evil eye’ in relationships.  She said sometimes people are not happy about one’s achievement; their unhappy feelings cause one not to be able to continue what she plans to achieve in life. She called that as ‘evil eye’ – negativity that prevents people from getting what they try hard for…

The word ‘evil eye’ got my attention; I began to think more about its origin and how it became part of human relationship, what it means, and if it really exist.

The more i thought of it, the more it became a fascinating subject, and the more questions pop up in my mind. For instance,  Is it from our negative thought about others? Or is it something that exchanged between people? …

I see ‘evil eye’ as a ‘negative energy’ that forms in relationship.  This energy  is co-constructed as we speak and share ideas and stories. I believe everything has an impact… Sharing success stories impact people; some may like, some may dislike, some may become more curious and some may become indifferent to what we share with them. …

Since everything has an impact, we affect one another in every relational transactions. We are influenced by energy exchanged between us; we mutually influence one another by our words, positions, and postures that we take in relation to what is being exchanged.

We (you and I) are part of this exchange; the way we share, the way we tell our stories, the way we position ourselves to one another, the way we non-verbally express ourselves contribute to responses that we give to one another.

To reduce ‘the impact of ‘evil eye’ – what i call ‘relational negative energy’- on our relationship, it is important to become more aware of how we share and what words/ posture we take when expressing our success stories.  When we look closely into our contribution to the reproduction of ‘negative energy’, we become more mindful of our way of telling and re-telling and consequently its impact on others. This might be a way to immune our relationship from this negative energy.

Happy Possibilities,

Tahereh Barati, M.A, RMFT

Why Question? Controlling others or Connecting with others!

20 Wednesday Mar 2013

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People ask each other many questions but what do those questions mean to each of us? How do we understand and interpret questions? How do questions affect us and our relationships with one another?

Asking questions is a skill and the intention behind questions is as important as questions.  I always wonder if our intention for asking questions is related to ‘controlling behaviours’ or if it is related to our desire to ‘connect’ with one another. How would you differentiate these two intentions?

I came to realize that questions that lead to ‘controlling behaviors’ have specific characteristics. They tend to be direct, intrusive, violating one’s space; they are more critical of the other person and they somehow are not genuine. Questions that lead to ‘connection’ tend to be more invitational, motivational and encouraging; they are accompanied with curiosity to discover more about the other person.

I learned that questions with the intention of ‘connection’ make a person feel respected and accepted.  They open up space for dialogue and conversations; they become venues for exchanging ideas and receiving acknowledgment and they become platforms for further engagement with one’s life.

I also learned that questions with the intention of ‘controlling’ tend to produce fear, intimidation and doubts. They make one feel interrogated, disrespected and violated. They close down conversations; they reinforce the power relations and they reproduce further disconnection.

If our intention of asking questions is to strengthen our connection to and further our understanding of the other person, it seems that it is important to close a gap between our intention and our practice of asking questions. When our intention and our way of questioning are aligned, we move towards a direction of experiencing ‘connection’ otherwise, inadvertently, we may reproduce ‘disconnection’ in relationship.

Do you think becoming aware of your intention could make a difference in the way we ask questions or the way we position ourselves to others? What other things do you think you need to pay attention to when asking questions?

Looking forward to your reflection,

Happy Possibilities!

Tahereh Barati, M.A, RMFT

Why Conflict?

27 Sunday Jan 2013

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Why do you think people get into a heated talk? Why and how is Conflict formed in relationship? Is it possible people talk about serious issues without experiencing Conflict?

I think there is only one condition that forms, fuels and escalates Conflict in human relationships; and that is Zone of Extremism.

I believe conflict is a byproduct of our extreme positions on issues that matter to us.  We may have lots of reasons to become for or against an idea but when we enter into a debate or conversation, it is important to be open to others’ points of views.  The belief that the position we take is the only way, the only truth, and the best, leads us to experience conflict.  This is what i call the zone of extremism. The zone that brings more harm to relationships than good; the zone that locks us into polarized positions and the zone that make us stuck in a gridlock for a long period of time.  So

  • When we only talk about the extreme condition of situations
  • When we exaggerate outcomes or consequences of actions or beliefs
  • When we hold the opposite stance much longer than it needed
  • When we hold 100% for or against position on an idea during the entire conversion
  • When we don’t deliberately switch our positions to see things from the other party’s point of view,

We are entering into a zone that supports formation, maintenance and escalation of conflicts between two parties in personal, social and political relationships.

The solution may seem to be apparent, however it is not easily doable.  What makes avoiding conflict difficult is the influence of the zone of extremism on both parties involved in conversations. When two persons enter into this zone, they become locked into a position- 100% for /against-  which doesn’t allow them to be open and see things from different perspectives.

Awareness is required prior to entering into conversation, when two parties begin to share their points of views on serious matters. To develop awareness and consciousness, we need to consider paying attention to the following to prevent a formation of conflict:

  • Enter into conversation with a decision that you would give ‘benefit of doubt’ to the other party’s talk
  • Enter into conversation to share ideas not to convince others
  • Take a listening position that allows you to hear the other party’s ideas
  • Stay away from the zone of extremism which leads to dogmatism and division
  • Make a deliberate decision to reduce your 100% devotion to an idea to give room to another party to express herself/ himself.

Hope we experience fewer conflicts in our daily conversations with one another. Remember, there is some truth in every idea; everything that we know about ourselves and our conditions is part of our collective human knowledge; and human knowledge is not complete.

Happy Possibilities,

Tahereh Barati, M.A, RMFT