Tag Archives: collaboration

Why Conflict? (Re-post)

10 Friday Jun 2016

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I thought I would re-post this post as I see the presence of unnecessary suffering due to the unnecessary conflicts in human relationships. Hope you find it useful.

Why do you think people get into a heated talk? Why and how is Conflict formed in a relationship? Is it possible people communicate and resolve differences without hatred and resentment?

I think the condition that forms, fuels and escalates Conflict in human relationships our collective inability to enter into the Zone of Extremism.

I believe the long-lasting conflict in human relationships is a byproduct of our extreme positions/stances on issues that matter to us.  We may have lots of reasons to become ‘for or against’ an idea but when we enter into a conversation, it is important to be open to others’ point of views.  The belief that the stance we take is the only way, the only truth, and the best solution, leads us to conflicts.  This is what i call ‘the zone of extremism’. The zone that brings us harm than good; the zone that locks us into polarized positions and the zone that make us stuck in a gridlock for a long time.

These are the possible conditions for entering into the ‘zone of Extremism’:

  • When we only talk about the extreme condition of situations
  • When we exaggerate outcomes or consequences of actions or beliefs
  • When we hold the opposite stance much longer than it needed
  • When we hold 100% for or against position on an idea during the entire conversion
  • When we don’t deliberately switch our positions to see things from the other’s point of view.

The solution may seem to be apparent, however, it is difficult to achieve at times.  What makes it difficult is the influence of ‘the zone of extremism’ on both parties involved in conversations.  Awareness is required prior to entering into any conversation. To develop awareness and consciousness, we need to consider paying attention to the following:

  • Give ‘benefit of doubt’ to the other party’s talk
  • Share ideas without attempting to convince the other
  • Take a listening position to hear the other party’s ideas
  • Stay away from dogmatism and division (the zone of extremism)
  • Make deliberate intentional efforts to reduce your 100% devotion/loyalty to your stance. This way the other party is better able to express herself/ himself.

Remember, there is some truth in every idea; everything that we know about ourselves and our conditions is part of our collective human knowledge; and human knowledge is NOT complete, pure, and absolute.

Happy Possibilities,

Tahereh Barati, RMFT

The World Is a Stage!

12 Saturday Dec 2015

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Walking to CBC, standing in a queue listening to people talking about the taping show, taking an elevator, going to a studio…  that is how we become part of something larger than self…

The studio is dark, lots of cameras in each corner, some wearing black invisibly guiding you to the room… the room and its aroma, its catchy lights … equipment all around… new and old rusty, dusty, and shiny…

Watching self in the room, as a witness, in this new making… moments of being part of a production…

No matter if it is a talk show or a music show or a comedy show, you are part of a repetition of events … every time it gets repeated, it is better understood… you learn to be present non-judgmental…  mistakes are made, personal /technical glitches with no negativity attached … it is like life- moving, floating, making, and remaking itself …

You are an outsider but a contributor…. your emotions- laughter, sadness, excitement, disgust and joy- count … each word, each punchline, each melody is an invitation to be part of…

The world -small or big- is a stage, is a taping set… we are guided by others to take a place in this world; we play a part, we perform with consciousnesses or without, we are part of it if we feel included or not, we are in it…

it is up to us how to make it; it is up to us to help remake it; our part matters, our presence matters, we are significant in this room, in this world…

Do your part …

Happy possibilities!

Tahereh Barati

 

Why Check-ins?

11 Tuesday Feb 2014

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Lately I have been thinking of what makes a conversation easier between two people.  I came to realize that if people don’t meet each other in a shared emotional intersection, they might not be able to be present to one another. What makes two people present to each other is crucial in conversation. People need to be in a same/similar/familiar emotional space to be able to talk to one another in a more effective and understanding way.

Practice of ‘Check- In’ would bring people together to experience emotional connection. It would invite people to join in a shared emotional space.  Practice of ‘Check- In’ is a practice of self-disclosure; it is a practice that allows the other person to get to know one’s emotional space; it is an invitation to inform others about one’s state of mind and emotions. People become more in tune with each other’s particular emotional mental and relational states.  People experience connecting with one another in a more leveled equal and transparent way.

Practice of ‘Check- In’ also provides an opportunity to join in having dialogues to address much broader issues such as organizational social and political matters. This practice would allow people to defuse visible and invisible conflicts and become more aware of each other’s vulnerabilities.

  • Have you tried the practice ‘Check-in’ in your conversations with your friends, family members or employees?
  • What questions do you ask when you do Check-in?

Happy Conversations!

Tahereh Barati, M.A, RMFT

Why Connection?

01 Wednesday May 2013

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I believe connection is an artistic process. Many of us have difficulty connecting to one another. Why? Perhaps because we have difficulty to listen to others, respond to others and accept differences; perhaps it is something to do with the notion of ‘otherness’ or perhaps it is something to do with the degree of self/other awareness. What do you think?

It seems that connection is possible when we spend time together to create relational principles with one another. Connection is a mutual process. Relating doesn’t happen in vacuum; it is experienced when two people allow themselves to be open and influenced by one another.  What would support the formation of experience of connection is ‘suspension of judgment/ criticism and self/other awareness’.

When we enter into relationship, our statements/questions indicate the degree of our openness and willingness to experience connection. Openness to exchanging ideas leads to self-awareness and eventually to otherness.  Without relationship, Relatedness is not possible. We are products of our relationship; our identities are formed in relationship. Thus, we may need to pay attention to the importance of relatedness and our contribution to its formation.  Relational principles are not constructed automatically but by mutually given attention to the importance in relationship.

Experience of connection is possible when we creatively tune into each other and deliberately craft relational principles! Thus, connection is an intentional act.

Emotional safety and suspension of judgment/ criticism are crucial in this process. That is the only way that we feel more comfortable to listen to each other and relate to one another.

Connection is not possible without act of listening.  Listening makes people attune to ‘what and how’ things are exchanged in relationship. The importance of listening is overly talked about but is under-used in our daily conversations.

Listening is a practice of holding onto our ideas as we actively pay attention to what others say. This way, we notice differences/ similarities among shared ideas; we may find out possible gaps in our own thinking or others’.   In this process of identification, it is important not to feel threatened by differences but remain open to examine and re-view our own ideas.

Self- awareness requires openness, listening and understanding others’ points of views. We are not able to learn about our belief system without allowing others to shed light and reflect on various aspects of our ways of living/ our ways of responding to matters.  Self- awareness is formed by our ability to listen to other views and by our willingness to reflect on our own ideas/beliefs.

With listening, sharing ideas and accepting differences, we may become emotionally available to one another and experience the joy of Connection.

Happy possibilities,

Tahereh Barati, M.A, RMFT

Home-Land-Security!

29 Monday Apr 2013

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The recent event in Boston made me think of the term ‘homeland security’. I began to think of what it means and if the way we understand it sufficient to address the 21st century concerns for safety and security.

As you see, this term has three components: Home, Land, and Security. What does each mean? The transitional definition of home, land and security seem to be very narrow. We need to broaden our definitions of each when we craft a comprehensive and collective approach to safeguard safety in our today’s society.

These three components – home, land, security- are interconnected. We live in a global village where the land is shared by millions of people. This land – our earth- is a place that we all call home.  Our home is in need of security and safety in every aspect.

How to bring security to our home is directly linked to how we operate in our land globally. Everything is connected, everything has impact, and every action is a response to an action. This interconnectedness needs to be taken into an account when we plan to use our resources – technical and intelligence services-  to design a map for Home-Land-Security.

Collaboration and Awareness will lead to a creation of a map that brings Peace to our global village.

Happy Possibilities,

Tahereh Barati, M.A, RMFT

I have a dream!

13 Saturday Apr 2013

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People have dreams, visions and plans for life. Our relationship is that determines if our dream comes true or gets crushed. We intuitively know what can be possible and what can be done to become more connected with our own dream. We tend to present our dreams to relationships that have capacity or ability to support its implementation.

It is proven that when dream is shared, it is more possible to come true. There are many examples in human history; for instance, the dream that Martin Luther King had for human being; he said ‘I have a dream’. He, by himself, couldn’t make his dream come true. Martin Luther King shared his dream with his friends, colleagues and people in his life first, then he shared it with millions of people around the world. The more he talked about his dream, the more people became part of his shared vision and its implementation. That is how a movement takes place in the history of mankind.

Let me tell you a story of a woman who had a dream and wanted to see it come true. She came to my office and shared her dream as well as obstacles to achieving her dream. She said she has a dream – a dream of having her own family when she is reunited with her children. She said she had tried hard to make it happen but many barriers didn’t allow her to accomplish her dream.

In my conversations with her, her past initiatives were acknowledged; her dream, as her preferred future, was recognized and supported. As we talked and explored ways of removing barriers, her dream became more accessible to her. She began to share her dream with people close to her- her parents, friends, colleague and employers. When she shared her dream with others, some didn’t take her dream seriously, some crushed her dream with cynicism and some began to listen to her. We discussed the feedback she got from her social network and took pieces that were supportive of her.

A dream doesn’t come true if it is not shared, if steps towards its accomplishment are not realistic and ethical, and if it is not supported by the community that one is in –workplace, family, nation and etc.

Steps towards achieving a dream are relational steps; these steps have to be collaboratively drafted, examined and nurtured in relationship. No one, alone, can make thing happen in life. Every action has to be accompanied with actions of others to come true. Every dream has to be supported by community of people to become one’s reality.

Let’s be part of each other’s dreams, let’s work together to make our dreams come true, let’s support each other’s ideas, visions and dreams in every setting we are in – home, workplace, community, and society.

Happy possibilities,

Tahereh Barati, M.A, RMFT

Culture of competition/domination @ workplace!

11 Thursday Apr 2013

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Every workplace develops its own culture; employees and employers have impact on and participate in the formation the culture of workplace. We contribute to its formation by being active, responsive, passive, silent, or indifferent…

‘Culture of competition/domination’ is seen as the most noticeable culture in our workplaces nowadays. This culture fuels most conflicts among people at workplaces and damages our relationships and interactions with one another.

The presence of ‘culture of competition/domination’ prevents people from experience of togetherness, cooperation and empathy. It eliminates and diminishes possibilities to collaboration and exploration of ideas. It silences actions that give space to alternative ways of working together at workplace.

Many people are fired/ resigned from their workplaces; mostly because their effort to reduce the presence of ‘disconnection, imposition and domination’ was minimized; or because both parties weren’t able to resolve differences and conflicts; or because a vital system that encourages a fair decision- making process, support, acknowledgment and shared vision , is missing at workplace and so forth.

I believe we would have a better world if we stand up to the ‘culture of competition/domination’ and begin to explore fundamental principles such as cooperation, respect, collaboration and reciprocity at workplace.

If we can do that, we can really change our world, our workplace. When we begin to create new forms and structures that reflect on our values and our desire for work that is characterized by these principles, we will have a workplace that is built on cooperation and reciprocity and mutual contributions.

I believe both employees and employers need to look into themselves and revise their responses to each other. We need to take initiatives to change the undesirable culture of workplace. Employees and employers need to take responsibility for their own part and respond to the culture of ‘competition/domination’ differently.

Let’s resist the temptation of ignoring/dismissing/and denying these events in our workplace, and take a moment to reflect on what is actually happening at our workplace and how we can make a difference.

Happy Possibilities,

Tahereh Barati, M.A, RMFT

Conversation-Fest 2013!

05 Tuesday Mar 2013

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A new conference is coming up that I would like to encourage you to attend if you haven’t signed up yet. It is called Conversation- Fest 2013. This conference is collaborated and co-hosted by Houston Galveston Institute and the Hincks Dellcrest Centre. See the link for further information: http://thewindsofchange.ca/en/

As you may know, there is always room for discussion and conversation on issues that matter to us. Complex issues -that we, practitioners, face in our therapeutic work with clients or with our colleagues or within the field of psychotherapy- need to be discussed and examined in a safe and respectful environment. This conference, i believe, is a great forum for sharing and exchanging ideas that could affect our livelihood as a person and as a practitioner.

In the recent years, new therapeutic approaches have emerged. New approaches that offer us perspectives and lenses on ‘how to’ talk about issues that matter to us. The new approaches are collaborative and relational approaches; they use non- pathalogizing language; and they promote the ‘not- knowing’ posture / position in therapeutic relationships.

Attending the conference, like Conversation- Fest 13, allows us to be more engaged in the dialogical process of exchanging knowledge; it allows us to have new understanding of what people experience in the process of therapy; it facilitates the development of new applications of collaborative, relational and narrative ideas in a variety of contexts.

The conference such this is an opportunity to invite, share and reflect on ‘hot and tough’ issues that we, practitioners, encounter in our work on a daily basis and that affect vicariously on our therapeutic relationships with clients.

I am very happy to be part of this conference. I will be having a presentation titled ‘story, documentation, change’; it is a presentation on the importance of documentation in the field of psychotherapy. I will be linking its importance to the recent ideas in therapy.  I will share stories of clients as well as their reflection on Narrative documentation.  My presentation is inspired by social constructionist ideas and Narrative therapy principles.  Looking forward to seeing you there.

Looking forward to making new connections and reconnecting with my colleagues and friends at the conference!

Happy Possibilities!

Tahereh Barati, M.A, RMFT

Why Conflict?

27 Sunday Jan 2013

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Why do you think people get into a heated talk? Why and how is Conflict formed in relationship? Is it possible people talk about serious issues without experiencing Conflict?

I think there is only one condition that forms, fuels and escalates Conflict in human relationships; and that is Zone of Extremism.

I believe conflict is a byproduct of our extreme positions on issues that matter to us.  We may have lots of reasons to become for or against an idea but when we enter into a debate or conversation, it is important to be open to others’ points of views.  The belief that the position we take is the only way, the only truth, and the best, leads us to experience conflict.  This is what i call the zone of extremism. The zone that brings more harm to relationships than good; the zone that locks us into polarized positions and the zone that make us stuck in a gridlock for a long period of time.  So

  • When we only talk about the extreme condition of situations
  • When we exaggerate outcomes or consequences of actions or beliefs
  • When we hold the opposite stance much longer than it needed
  • When we hold 100% for or against position on an idea during the entire conversion
  • When we don’t deliberately switch our positions to see things from the other party’s point of view,

We are entering into a zone that supports formation, maintenance and escalation of conflicts between two parties in personal, social and political relationships.

The solution may seem to be apparent, however it is not easily doable.  What makes avoiding conflict difficult is the influence of the zone of extremism on both parties involved in conversations. When two persons enter into this zone, they become locked into a position- 100% for /against-  which doesn’t allow them to be open and see things from different perspectives.

Awareness is required prior to entering into conversation, when two parties begin to share their points of views on serious matters. To develop awareness and consciousness, we need to consider paying attention to the following to prevent a formation of conflict:

  • Enter into conversation with a decision that you would give ‘benefit of doubt’ to the other party’s talk
  • Enter into conversation to share ideas not to convince others
  • Take a listening position that allows you to hear the other party’s ideas
  • Stay away from the zone of extremism which leads to dogmatism and division
  • Make a deliberate decision to reduce your 100% devotion to an idea to give room to another party to express herself/ himself.

Hope we experience fewer conflicts in our daily conversations with one another. Remember, there is some truth in every idea; everything that we know about ourselves and our conditions is part of our collective human knowledge; and human knowledge is not complete.

Happy Possibilities,

Tahereh Barati, M.A, RMFT

Are You Seeking Clinical Supervision?

24 Wednesday Oct 2012

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I have recently become a supervisor candidate. I am working towards my clinical supervisory designation with American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy – Ontario division.

In the process of obtaining this designation, i am looking forward to supervising therapists who are interested in receiving supervision and who are in process of fulfilling requirements for clinical membership with AAMFT.

You know, I had had very enriching experiences with supervision, when i began my clinical work. I have received supervision from clinical supervisors who were knowledgable and supportive. They were my mentors in this field. They shared their knowledge, wisdom and experiences with me. In my collaborative supervisory relationships with supervisors, I felt supported and experienced less of isolation.

The work we, therapists, do could be isolating at times.  Having a supportive collaborative supervisor could prevent experiences of isolation, discouragement and possibly burnt- out.

Supervision is a very effective way of getting help and support to address socially constructed problems; it is a preferred way of developing a professional/personal network; it is a creative way of getting new perspective and ideas; and it is an opportunity to working together creatively and sharing local knowledges.

My approach in supervision is inspired by social constructionism and Narrative ideas. If you are looking for an opportunity to develop your skills and competency, if you are looking for fulfilling your supervision hours with AAMFT and if you are interested in learning more about my supervisory approach, please feel free to contact me.

I’d appreciate you if you could pass on my information to therapists/clinicians who may look for a supervisor.  Thank you,

For my contact information, please visit my website: www.taherehbarati.com

Looking forward to hearing from you,

Happy Possibilities!