Tag Archives: conversation

Why Conflict? (Re-post)

10 Friday Jun 2016

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I thought I would re-post this post as I see the presence of unnecessary suffering due to the unnecessary conflicts in human relationships. Hope you find it useful.

Why do you think people get into a heated talk? Why and how is Conflict formed in a relationship? Is it possible people communicate and resolve differences without hatred and resentment?

I think the condition that forms, fuels and escalates Conflict in human relationships our collective inability to enter into the Zone of Extremism.

I believe the long-lasting conflict in human relationships is a byproduct of our extreme positions/stances on issues that matter to us.  We may have lots of reasons to become ‘for or against’ an idea but when we enter into a conversation, it is important to be open to others’ point of views.  The belief that the stance we take is the only way, the only truth, and the best solution, leads us to conflicts.  This is what i call ‘the zone of extremism’. The zone that brings us harm than good; the zone that locks us into polarized positions and the zone that make us stuck in a gridlock for a long time.

These are the possible conditions for entering into the ‘zone of Extremism’:

  • When we only talk about the extreme condition of situations
  • When we exaggerate outcomes or consequences of actions or beliefs
  • When we hold the opposite stance much longer than it needed
  • When we hold 100% for or against position on an idea during the entire conversion
  • When we don’t deliberately switch our positions to see things from the other’s point of view.

The solution may seem to be apparent, however, it is difficult to achieve at times.  What makes it difficult is the influence of ‘the zone of extremism’ on both parties involved in conversations.  Awareness is required prior to entering into any conversation. To develop awareness and consciousness, we need to consider paying attention to the following:

  • Give ‘benefit of doubt’ to the other party’s talk
  • Share ideas without attempting to convince the other
  • Take a listening position to hear the other party’s ideas
  • Stay away from dogmatism and division (the zone of extremism)
  • Make deliberate intentional efforts to reduce your 100% devotion/loyalty to your stance. This way the other party is better able to express herself/ himself.

Remember, there is some truth in every idea; everything that we know about ourselves and our conditions is part of our collective human knowledge; and human knowledge is NOT complete, pure, and absolute.

Happy Possibilities,

Tahereh Barati, RMFT

Why Check-ins?

11 Tuesday Feb 2014

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Lately I have been thinking of what makes a conversation easier between two people.  I came to realize that if people don’t meet each other in a shared emotional intersection, they might not be able to be present to one another. What makes two people present to each other is crucial in conversation. People need to be in a same/similar/familiar emotional space to be able to talk to one another in a more effective and understanding way.

Practice of ‘Check- In’ would bring people together to experience emotional connection. It would invite people to join in a shared emotional space.  Practice of ‘Check- In’ is a practice of self-disclosure; it is a practice that allows the other person to get to know one’s emotional space; it is an invitation to inform others about one’s state of mind and emotions. People become more in tune with each other’s particular emotional mental and relational states.  People experience connecting with one another in a more leveled equal and transparent way.

Practice of ‘Check- In’ also provides an opportunity to join in having dialogues to address much broader issues such as organizational social and political matters. This practice would allow people to defuse visible and invisible conflicts and become more aware of each other’s vulnerabilities.

  • Have you tried the practice ‘Check-in’ in your conversations with your friends, family members or employees?
  • What questions do you ask when you do Check-in?

Happy Conversations!

Tahereh Barati, M.A, RMFT

Who benefits?

25 Monday Mar 2013

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In my conversations with clients, i invite people to give attention to who benefits from problems, conflicts and troubles that people have in life. This particular invitation gives us opportunities to look at problems from an unexpected angle that we possibly won’t pay attention to.

When shedding light on this angle, i notice people begin to view their problems differently. I believe sometimes expanding people’s view on problem- whatever it may be-, and looking at conflicts and troubles from unexpected angels bring new possibilities to people that wouldn’t have been possible otherwise.

Regardless of problems – from personal to international- let’s try to see problems/ conflicts from unconventional angles; let’s make effort to search for ‘absent but implicit’ in people’s intentions; let’s have conversations that fit with people’s cultural and belief systems and let’s not impose our traditions of thinking and beliefs on others.

Happy Possibilities!

Tahereh Barati, M.A, RMFT

Relationship & Its impact!

06 Wednesday Feb 2013

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We live in relationship; relationship defines us, makes us, breaks us, modifies us and forms us.

We live in many various relationships. Every Relationship has three components – two participants and combination of both (A, B, AB).  We are satisfied when relationship has a capacity to hold nurture and make us grow. We are unsatisfied when relationship limits, minimizes and pressures us.

Our friendship relationships, our work relationships, our marital and parental relationships are contexts for formation of our identity- personal and professional identities.

Relationship is a place that individuals give and take each others’ courage.  Relationship is a place that individuals boost and destroy each others’ personal agency. Relationship is a place that provides conditions for re-construction or deconstruction of self.

When we experience suffering, suffocation and constraints in relationship, we may need to listen to what we experience and act upon it.  Participants of any relationship are not ‘passive recipients’. We contribute and have an impact on each other.

We may ignore, dismiss and silence voices of dissatisfaction. We may drown ourselves into work-holism and addiction. We may try to silence our voices and close our eyes; however, we can not stay and not have any ‘act of resistance’ in relationship. We do intentionally or unintentionally take stances in relation to what happens in our relationships.

Individuals respond; individuals make a balance between what is given and what is received in relationship. Nothing is lost in relationship. We have an impact on each other. The impact could stagnate or generate new possibilities.  The impact has to be monitored and evaluated more often because it has power to define, make, or break us in a long run.

If you are in relationship that makes you put aside your core values and preferences in life, you need to start having conversations with other participants of this relationship.

Conversation is the response to undesirable relational impact; the conversation that steers the direction of relationship back to its preferred direction!

Happy Possibilities!

Tahereh Barati, M.A, RMFT