Tag Archives: culture

Inside Out- Reflection!

31 Friday Jul 2015

Posted by in Articles

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Inside Out is a funny, witty, and clever movie portraying the role of human emotions in a very touching sensible story. The story is about a life of a girl who is facing a significant transition in her life.

“Riley (Kaitlyn Dias) is a happy, hockey-loving 11-year-old Midwestern girl, but her world turns upside-down when she and her parents move to San Francisco. Riley’s emotions — led by Joy (Amy Poehler) — try to guide her through this difficult, life-changing event. However, the stress of the move brings Sadness (Phyllis Smith) to the forefront. When Joy and Sadness are inadvertently swept into the far reaches of Riley’s mind, the only emotions left in Headquarters are Anger, Fear, and Disgust”.

The core emotions of human beings are Joy, Sadness, Anger, Fear, and Disgust. These emotions are learned emotions; these emotions exhibit themselves in one’s life based on one’s experiences and learning in relationships.  The emotions, in this movie, are beautifully externalized. Emotions act independently and co-dependently with other emotions. Emotions are triggered/ activated due to a major change in one’s life.  The interactions between emotions are utterly amusing and amazingly constructed.

In a process of helping a person regain her/his well-being, emotions play a big role. Emotions are expressions of life. What one learns through social interactions is translated to the formation of various forms of emotions. One’s relational learning has gradually become associated with specific emotions which get expressed in daily interactions with others and ourselves.

Inside Out is not only about Riley’s journey of adaptation with a new life, it is also about collaborative work of emotions. In this journey, the core emotions learn new things about each other, they learn the necessity and usefulness of each in one’s life. They learn to work together to respond to particular situations more positively.

The moment that Joy learns Sadness has usefulness is priceless. The moment that Anger, Fear and Disgust have to run Riley’s headquarters is superb as they have to compensate for other emotions such as Joy and Sadness.

The screen players of Inside Out have done a great job in the characterization of the core emotions.  Throughout the movie, these messages are implicitly echoed: the core emotions are trainable; they are constructed in a specific context; they are changeable; they are flexible and playful; they are interchangeable; they are responses to specific conditions in life. No emotion is fixed.

It is a very optimistic movie as it shows us to work with our own emotions and regulate/train/tame them in creative ways that make us re-connected with self and others.

If the goal of one’s life is to re-bounce from disconnection and if it is to re-connect with self and others, this movie illustrates this perfectly.  I wonder if this movie is shown at schools and I could just imagine what effects it would have on children and perhaps their parents.

Happy to see Pete Docter and his crew brought this invisible and covert subject to life in this great animation movie!  If you haven’t seen it, it is highly recommended.

Happy possibilities,

Tahereh Barati

 

 

Advertisements

Reflection on Birdman!

20 Friday Feb 2015

Posted by in Articles, Reflection

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , , , ,

Birdman is a black comedy; it tells a story to expose us to dominant parts of the male culture.  As we may know, the masculine male culture includes stories of superheroes- gladiators, hulks and terminators- inventions and achievements; it is a culture that re-tells stories of power and domination; it is a culture that portrays images of competitive, insensitive and disconnected men.

The male culture doesn’t just influence men in our society; its narrative has shaped, shape and will continue shaping all of us regardless of our gender.   This movie is about a man and his relational struggles/ challenges with himself and with the world around him; i.e. his daughter, ex-wife, job, coworkers and etc.

Birdman is nostalgic! It shares men experienced when he lost his status in public eye. The movie also suggests ideas on what men should do to gain confidence and regain the public trust.

Due to many social changes in the past few decades, the male culture was affected significantly and consequently its powerful status and entitlement in society tremendously trembled. In the past few decades, the behaviours/ actions taken by men- under the influence of male culture- have been scrutinized, criticized and monitored significantly; very precise attention given to the masculine male culture and its application in people’s lives. Many eyes continue monitoring and criticizing actions of disconnection, insensitivity and irresponsibility that speak to male supremacy and patriarchy.  Men, themselves, have also begun to watch and examine their own actions towards others; they have taken critics’ comments seriously and joined them to enhance their roles in others’ lives.

I enjoyed the movie very much. It is about redemption; it is about a new realization; it is about regaining power and respect in a more sensitive, humble and connecting way!  The movie is an invitation to all of us (men and women) to become part of something larger than self; it is an invitation to participate but not dominate; it is an invitation to be present and treat others as equals and with care and consideration.

I do believe that all of us, men and women, need to catch up with the recent changes and adjust ourselves with the new thinking about relationships.  I believe that we need to continue re-examining our actions and participate in co-constructing new relational realities for a better world.  I believe that we have resources, strengths, and knowledge to respond differently and effectively to the today’s expectations of us as human beings. I believe that we have to take deliberate positions to not repeat the past but to make new realities that are more equitable, sensible and responsible.

Let’s reconnect and build a better future for self and others.

Happy possibilities,

Tahereh Barati

 

Why Trust is Worth it!

06 Thursday Nov 2014

Posted by in Articles

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , ,

Reflecting on the recent events in our social world, i became more aware of the importance of Trust and its impact on our relationships with one another.

This video explained beautifully why Trust is worth it. Enjoy!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cWypWe9UAhQ

Happy Possibilities,

Tahereh Barati

Reflection- LUCY!

08 Friday Aug 2014

Posted by in Articles, Reflection

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The movie, LUCY, is a masterpiece; it portrays human as the powerful species.  LUCY is an embodiment of a modernism; a dream/ idea about an intelligent victorious man conquering others, time and space. It is about what Nietzsche said ‘God is Dead’. LUCY is about knowledge as a source of power and control.

The age of modernism is over and LUCY gets to its 100% presence and disappears. The age of modernism gets to its full potential and eventually destroys itself; it leaves us its achievements and disappears. The time for a rigid, logical/ rational insensible thinking is coming to an end.

LUCY is about the rise and fall of logical/ rational/ intellectual mind that controls others, information, time and space. It is true that human without brain are not human but the exhaustion of human intelligence and exaggerated use of power and control will have led us to destruction of human species, environment and morality.

In the movie, the main two engines/ motives for human species to survive are: a) immortality b) reproduction. In the history of mankind, human have swung between these two. In modern era, the force to increase immortality was intensified/heightened and consequently, the reproduction rate became decreased.  We are at the end of this era.

We are going to swing back and forth to find equilibrium.  This will not be achieved when power and control run the mind of human beings. Equilibrium is achieved when power and knowledge are shared and interpreted relationally.

Yes, LUCY is a great example of what Michelle Foucault predicted. Yes, we have become LUCY. Yes, it is in all of us who were born into the rigid, logical, and rational world of modernism; it is in all of us who perpetuated modern thinking and implemented it in others’ lives and ours. Yes, LUCY is everywhere; LUCY is in all of us!

When I was leaving the theater, there were a young couple sat in their chairs looking puzzled. They said that they didn’t understand LUCY and they weren’t sure what LUCY was all about. Now, reflecting back on the young couple’s words, I have more appreciation for them.

It seems our new generations ask questions and scrutinize the presence of power and control in human interactions. The answer is new generations that question the achievements of technology, that look with suspicious upon greed, knowledge, and power. Their questions will bring the lost equilibrium back to life.

Yes, equilibrium will make us human, again, connected and engaged with each other relationally and ethically.  Equilibrium will allow all paradoxical pieces of understanding to co-exist; it will put an end to use of personal/social/technical/intellectual power over/against each other. Equilibrium will connect us not rationally but relationally.

Yes, the new era has begun!

Happy Possibilities,

 

Tahereh Barati

 

Why Connection?

01 Wednesday May 2013

Posted by in Articles, Reflection

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I believe connection is an artistic process. Many of us have difficulty connecting to one another. Why? Perhaps because we have difficulty to listen to others, respond to others and accept differences; perhaps it is something to do with the notion of ‘otherness’ or perhaps it is something to do with the degree of self/other awareness. What do you think?

It seems that connection is possible when we spend time together to create relational principles with one another. Connection is a mutual process. Relating doesn’t happen in vacuum; it is experienced when two people allow themselves to be open and influenced by one another.  What would support the formation of experience of connection is ‘suspension of judgment/ criticism and self/other awareness’.

When we enter into relationship, our statements/questions indicate the degree of our openness and willingness to experience connection. Openness to exchanging ideas leads to self-awareness and eventually to otherness.  Without relationship, Relatedness is not possible. We are products of our relationship; our identities are formed in relationship. Thus, we may need to pay attention to the importance of relatedness and our contribution to its formation.  Relational principles are not constructed automatically but by mutually given attention to the importance in relationship.

Experience of connection is possible when we creatively tune into each other and deliberately craft relational principles! Thus, connection is an intentional act.

Emotional safety and suspension of judgment/ criticism are crucial in this process. That is the only way that we feel more comfortable to listen to each other and relate to one another.

Connection is not possible without act of listening.  Listening makes people attune to ‘what and how’ things are exchanged in relationship. The importance of listening is overly talked about but is under-used in our daily conversations.

Listening is a practice of holding onto our ideas as we actively pay attention to what others say. This way, we notice differences/ similarities among shared ideas; we may find out possible gaps in our own thinking or others’.   In this process of identification, it is important not to feel threatened by differences but remain open to examine and re-view our own ideas.

Self- awareness requires openness, listening and understanding others’ points of views. We are not able to learn about our belief system without allowing others to shed light and reflect on various aspects of our ways of living/ our ways of responding to matters.  Self- awareness is formed by our ability to listen to other views and by our willingness to reflect on our own ideas/beliefs.

With listening, sharing ideas and accepting differences, we may become emotionally available to one another and experience the joy of Connection.

Happy possibilities,

Tahereh Barati, M.A, RMFT

Reflection on ‘Blood Pressure’!

04 Thursday Apr 2013

Posted by in Articles, Reflection

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I went to a theater to see the movie, Blood Pressure, the other day. The theater was full. I don’t usually read the film reviews prior to seeing a movie; I read them after; just for comparing my thoughts with other interpretations …

It is an intriguing and beautifully filmed movie.  It is about a woman, named Nicole (played by Michelle Giroux), who lives with her husband (Mike), who has no time for vacation, and her two children who boss her around. Nicole receives letters from an anonymous person who encourages her to enjoy her life and taking care of herself.  This new relationship has some positive impact on Nicole. She gains confidence and becomes more participant in her home/ work life. Other people in Nicole’s life notice and get surprised by the positive change in her life.

As a result of the positive changes in her life, her husband (played by Judah Katz) becomes more interested in repairing their marital relationship and her children become more interested in learning and respecting more about their mother. The movie continues and takes you to a very unexpected pathway…

The movie got me thinking about the way ’empowerment’ is defined and portrayed in the movie and in our society; it seems violence and aggression are signs of ’empowerment’. It felt as if women need to become violent and aggressive to be known as a strong person.

There is a social discourse that ‘women are not strong unless they practice violence and aggression’. This makes me wonder why violence and aggression has been glorified in our society?  Why do you think ‘being strong’ is equivalent with the practice of violence or aggression in relationship with others?  Why is it that other forms of strengths are overlooked, unrecognized and deliberately denied in our society?

When we look at the history of humankind, there were many strong women who didn’t need to learn any methods of violence and aggression to be called and known as ‘strong women’.  Why is it that practice of violence and guns are promoted so greatly? Who do you think defines ‘strength’ and ’empowerment’ for men and women?

What would happen if our definitions of ‘strengths and empowerment’ for women and men change? Would our next generations become peacemakers/ negotiators or soldiers/ fighters? What would we want to see our sons and daughters doing in years to come?

It seems that ‘culture of guns and violence’ is promoted globally. We need to revise our definitions of ‘strengths, empowerment and power’ and step out of individualistic definitions of these concepts.

Happy Possibilities!

Tahereh Barati, M.A, RMFT

Art of Relating!

30 Sunday Sep 2012

Posted by in Articles

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I came to a realization that Relating to one another is an art. I have learned that many of us have difficulty in Relating to others. This difficulty includes listening to others’ ideas and beliefs, responding preferably to others, accepting differences between ourselves and others and finally learning about the notion of ‘otherness’.

It seems that Relating is possible when we intentionally select and practice a few principles when interacting with one another. To me, Relating is a mutual process. Relating is not felt in vacuum; it is experienced when two persons allow themselves to be open to and influenced by one another.  The important principles that support the formation of experience of Relating to one another are ‘prohibition of judgment/ criticism in relationships and self/other awareness’.

When we enter into a relationship, our conversations are the points of entry to receiving or giving reflections to one another. This process of exchanging ideas lead to self-awareness and eventually to otherness.  Without relationships and conversations, Relating to one another is not experienced. We are products of our relationships and our identities are formed in relationships. Thus, principles are not constructed in relationships automatically or by accident; they are constructed by mutual attention, intentionality and commitment of both parties in relationships. Relating to one another is possible when we creatively tune into each other and we deliberately pay attention to practicing relational principles in relationships!

Relating to each other is an intentional act.  The experience of Relating is not possible when the relational principles are neglected or impoverished in relationships. People experience emotional safety when both parties decide to exclude or put limits on the presence of judgment/ criticism.  When judgment/criticism is not practiced, people feel more comfortable to relate to each other and experience safety in relationship.  Experiencing emotional safety in relationship, therefore, invite understanding and further connections among people.

Relating is not possible without act of listening.  Listening makes people attune to ‘what and how’ things are exchanged in relationships. It increases people’s ability to change or modify the direction of conversations. Listening is overly talked about in relationship building books but it is underused in our daily conversations. What might possibly contribute to its difficulty to be practiced is some think listening means minimization and invalidation of their ideas. This way of thinking, which promoted in our cultural and social discourses, reinforces and invites judgment/criticism’ to our internal dialogues and consequently to our way of positioning ourselves to each other.

Listening, to me, is a practice of holding onto our own ideas loosely as we actively pay attention to what a person says. As actively listening, we may notice some differences/ similarities between our ideas and others’ and we may find out some gaps in our own thinking or others’.   In this process of identification, it is important not to feel threatened by differences but remain open to examine and re-view our own ideas.

Being OK with differences is resulted from a habit of ongoing reflection and willingness to re-view our own ideas and beliefs; it is an expression of viewing other ideas as valid, real and possible. Accepting differences is linked to the idea of multiplicity and multiple realities which is contrary to the dominant idea of searching for Truth. Truth seeking practice leads to elimination of other realities; it prevents people from Relating to one another; it encourages people to hold strong positions against others. Truth seeking practice limits the possibility of talking, exchanging ideas and understanding different point of views; it brings judgment and criticism to our lives and create divisions among us.

I wonder how often we find ourselves to re-view our own ideas and how often we tend to question the dominant ideas such this one.  Would you view your ideas as one idea among many or do you view them as the only truth? How do you think this way of thinking affect your relationships with others?

I found questions that deconstruct and shed light on the history of our ideas/ beliefs be useful to consider; for instance, questions such as: where my ideas/beliefs come from, why I chose this particular set of beliefs about others and so forth. Reflecting and questioning our views might open up space for new possibilities in our thinking and might lead to further self/ other awareness.

Self- awareness requires openness, practice of listening and understanding other’s point of views. We are not able to learn about our belief system without allowing others to shed light and reflect on various aspects of our ways of living/ our ways of responding to matters.  Self- awareness is somehow formed by our ability to listen to other views on us and by our willingness to reflect on our own ideas/beliefs.

What is important to keep in mind is ‘how’ we talk to each other. Do we deliberately pay attention to the importance of emotional safety of the other party when talking to a person? Do we make any effort to increase our awareness when interacting with others? Do we prohibit presence of any sign of judgment/criticism in our thinking when conversing with others?

It is also crucial to reflect on ‘how’ our talk makes a difference. Does our talk encourage us to re-think, re-view and have clarity on various matters or does it make us distance ourselves from each other?

With listening, sharing ideas and accepting differences, we may become further emotionally available to others and experience the joy of Relating to one another.

Happy possibilities,

Tahereh Barati, M.A, RMFT

http://www.taherehbarati.com

Power Balance in Relationships!

02 Saturday Jun 2012

Posted by in Articles, Link, Reflection

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

We wish to be in a relationship that is equitable, fair and honest. Our desire is to be involved and nurtured in a relationship that feeds our soul, mind and body.

Relationships we have with others are invaluable and influential. Relationships with our partners, employers, colleagues, family members, children, school staff, neighbours, and so on are essential in our livelihood. Relationships form our identity and our understanding of ourselves and others.

We are often curious to know why sometimes it is difficult to find a relationship that nurtures us the way we deserve. We often wonder why it is not easy to form relationships without any external influences. We are often interested in learning more about those who are happy with their relationships with others. We want to know what works, what doesn’t, why some have it and some don’t.

Historically, everything seems to be geared to individuals. Success or failure of relationships has been an individual’s responsibility. We all may remember a statement that was said to us: ‘it is your fault if your relationships with others don’t work’.

I would like to challenge this attitude and mentality towards individuals and shed light on some hidden factors and conditions that influence our relationships with others in society.  I am not convinced that an individual -based answer to a complex question such as relationship is accurately reflective of all domains involved in relationship.

I suggest that we begin to pay attention to what contributes to so- called ‘failure or success’ in relationship; what makes it work and what prevents it from working; what internal and external factors intervene to one’s interactions with others.

I would like to name and categorize all of those factors and conditions as ‘POWER/ PRIVILEGES”.

Yes, I am aware of many definitions of power and privileges . To illustrate this, i would like you to take a test. Have you done ‘the Power Flower’ test? Here is the link to do the test. Please return to this page to continue reflecting on this theme.

http://web2.uvcs.uvic.ca/courses/csafety/mod2/media/flower.htm

Thanks for doing the test. Here are some questions that i would like you to think and reflect on:

  • What was it like for you to do the test?
  • What did you notice?
  • How many petals did you collect that were in Yellow and how many were in Blue?

Count your petals in each colour.  If you have more Blue petals, it means that your ‘power and privileges’ are recognized in society. If you have more Yellow Petals, it means  your ‘power and privileges’ may not be recognized in society as much.

Having this information in mind, I would like you to imagine yourself entering in a relationship; it could be a work related, romance related, or professional related relationship.  Knowing the fact that you have or have not shared the same power and privileges as the other person, pay attention to how you interact with the other person.

  • Would this knowledge change your interaction with the other person? How so?
  • How do you position yourself in a relationship when interacting with a person who has less or more power/privileges in society?
  • Does this knowledge affect your expectations from the other person? How so?
  • What do you need to be mindful of when interacting with a person with less or more privileges/power than you?
  • What difference do you think this knowledge make in your future relationships with others?

Wish you create conditions for yourself and others to have an equitable, fair and honest relationship with you!

Hope you engage in relationships that nurture your soul, mind and body!

Happy Possibilities!

Tahereh Barati, M.A, RMFT

Intimate Relationships & Relational Principles!

20 Tuesday Mar 2012

Posted by in Articles, Reflection

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

What usually couples, consulting with me, share in therapy sessions is about their concerns for their partners and/or themselves in intimate relationships; for instance, one party sees a drastic change in another party; or one party sees disconnection and lack of participation of one party in relationship; or one party realizes their relationship has gone off- track and etc.

What causes couples to experience ‘disconnection’ in their intimate relationships varies and depends on their understanding and agreement on relational principles; the principles that made them connected and related to each other once.

A couple relationship is a relationship between two persons who agree on certain principles, usually based on relational values/ethics, to stay and possibly live together to form a family. This is a mutual contract and is valid as long as two parties are committed to supporting and maintaining their agreement.

Couples, who plan to live together or have lived together for a long period of time, sometimes face difficulties in sticking to their relational principles for many various reasons. Difficulty in internalizing relational principles goes back to what parents, educators and society as a whole has taught both parties when they are very young.

The relational principles may vary from one relationship to another and they may be introduced to every relationship differently. However, the core principles seem to be the same in every relationship; everyone wants to be treated fairly and respectfully; and everyone wants for his/her relational life what brings comfort, joy, connection and closeness to intimate relationships.

Every person walks into an intimate relationship with her/his own life experiences. No one requires having any particular education or a degree before entering into intimate relationships. We learn and understand more about our own personal ethics and our relational principles as we experience relationships/ life. It seems that the richness of life depends on the quality of relationships we are in. Relationships have significant impact on our identities.

Couples are, sometimes, caught into the pattern of “I–It” (Martin Buber, 1979) relationship and connect with one another as objects. Couples may be convinced through external forces to shape their intimate relationships based on viewing each other as ‘It’ and relating to each other as a means to their own personal ends. When individuals are objectified in intimate relationships, the quality of relationship is reduced due to the objectification of persons. The major problem with this pattern of connection is the absence of “You”; the absence of the other party as a person, as a being.

At a different state, couples realize that their relationship is not fulfilling; they are not seen as valued beings; they feel loss even though they are, physically, present in relationships; they become insensitive and indifferent to each other’s presence; and their worlds become apart and disconnected. When one is not cared or loved for who he/she is but for means that brings to relationship, when his/her beings is not valued as a person but for means that provides in relationship, an intimate relationship is about to go sour and collapse.

Relationships collapse when couples are trapped into the pattern of “I-It”. “I- It” based relationships don’t have a capacity to last and fulfill relational needs of parties; it serves couples temporarily. When couples are not satisfied, they tend to search for another It. Affair, abuse, addictions, etc are signs of disconnection from one’s own values/principles.

The pattern of “I-It” perpetuates and maintains itself in people’s life by convincing couples to replace one “It” with another one; it prevents couples from taking initiatives to dismantle the pattern of “I- It”. Becoming free from the pattern of “I-It” is not easy due to its history in one’s life; it requires reconnecting to one’s ethics, revising relational ethics and adapting a broader perspective that includes ‘the other’ as a being in one’s life.

In my sessions with couples, I engage couples to think and talk about their relational principles and support them to form patterns of “I-You” in intimate relationships. We explore what constitutes and supports the pattern of “I-It” in their lives and discover ways of reconnecting with personal ethics to build a foundation for relational principles in intimate relationships.

If you know couples who want to unwrap themselves from the pattern of “I-It”, please feel free to pass them on my information. For further information visit my website: http://www.taherehbarati.com

Happy possibilities!

Tahereh Barati

Children & Rewards!

11 Sunday Mar 2012

Posted by in Articles, Reflection, sharing success stories

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Parents / care givers are usually more concerned about their children when children’s misbehaving occur in different settings such as home, school and daycare.  Children usually respond to problems with similar behaviours.   Why do you think it is? You may have different answers to this question based on your philosophical and psychological perspectives. To me children’s problems are socially constructed and relational based. Changing behaviours seem to be difficult when social/ relational aspects, that contributing to the maintenance of behaviours, are not taken into consideration.

Having social/ relational lens on when analyzing children’s difficulties, I usually propose to parents, who consult with me, meetings with educators at schools or daycares to learn more about what maintains or contributes to children’s difficulties at schools or daycares.

What I have come to realize is that most teachers and parents are focused on ‘behaviours’ and want ‘misbehaving’ go away.  It is sometimes seen that educators give attention to social/relational conditions that maintain children’s misbehaving. Most parents and educators have been trained to use ‘behavioural management techniques’ to solve children’s social/ relational problems.  They mostly complain about its ineffectiveness to bring about change to children’s behaviours. The most well known technique that is often used in our educational system is ‘the reward system’.

“The reward system’ has a long history. It goes back to the early 20th century when behavioural psychologists such as Pavlov and Skinner experimented and invented terms such as ‘classical condition and operant condition’. “Operant conditioning” is a form of learning during which an individual modifies the occurrence and form its own behavior due to the reinforcement of the behaviour. Operant behavior “operates” on the environment and is maintained by its reinforcement and punishment. Classical Conditioning is when two stimuli are presented in close succession repeatedly, until the response given to one becomes associated with the other”. (Wikipedia)

In my consultation meetings with parents and educators, I invite them to talk about the downside and upside of using ‘the reward system’ when interacting with children.  It is acknowledged that ‘the reward system’ might be useful when it is practiced with very young children- under 4 years old; however, it doesn’t seem to work for older children.

‘The reward system’ focuses on building and strengthening “I-It” (Martin Buber) relationships between children and caregivers/educators.  “The reward system’ supports children to have and maintain relationships with objects/ desired rewards. It objectifies children’s relationships with adults and makes children think that adults are means to achieving their desired objects/rewards.

As you see, it is very difficult to break the relationship between ‘children and rewards’ when this relationship is protected and nurtured by many players such as primary caregivers and educators and in a larger context, by our dominant culture; consumerism and individualism.

This is the problem that most parents and educators face, today, and often talk about in my consultation meetings.  Parents and educators, like children, are caught into this pattern of ‘I-It” (Martin Buber) as well.  “I-It” pattern of relationship is a pattern that promotes instant gratification, use of means to achieve desired ends, and disconnection from personal relational and social ethics.

Continuing to use and teach ‘the reward system’ in our educational system will have long lasting negative effects on our society as a whole; it prevents parents and educators to disentangle their relationships from the “I-It” pattern; it slows down the process of supporting children to build relationships based on “I-You” and “I-Thou” as Martin Buber suggests as a way of re-valuing human relationships and re-constructing our society based on humanitarian values and principles.

Initiating conversations on the negative effects of ‘the reward system’ on children, parents and educators is essential. We need to be open to exploring and incorporating patterns of ‘I-You’ and ‘I- Thou’ in our relationships with children. We need to engage each other into conversations to give more attention to the importance of ‘concept development’ and formation of values and ethics in our children’s lives.

In my consultation meetings with parents and educators, we cultivate, collect and circulate ideas and knowledge to help children internalize concepts such as respect, empathy, sharing and so forth. Our hope is our conversations will have ripple effects on other aspects of children and educators’ lives and reduce social/ relational problems in children’s lives in a long run.

I would like to encourage you to give some thought to this matter and invite others to be open to reviewing, debating and changing the dominant pattern of “I-It” in our interactions with ourselves and others and also be supportive of the alternative pattern of relationship/communication, “I-Thou”, with one another.

Happy Possibilities!

Tahereh Barati