Tag Archives: health

Intimate Relationships & Relational Principles!

20 Tuesday Mar 2012

Posted by in Articles, Reflection

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What usually couples, consulting with me, share in therapy sessions is about their concerns for their partners and/or themselves in intimate relationships; for instance, one party sees a drastic change in another party; or one party sees disconnection and lack of participation of one party in relationship; or one party realizes their relationship has gone off- track and etc.

What causes couples to experience ‘disconnection’ in their intimate relationships varies and depends on their understanding and agreement on relational principles; the principles that made them connected and related to each other once.

A couple relationship is a relationship between two persons who agree on certain principles, usually based on relational values/ethics, to stay and possibly live together to form a family. This is a mutual contract and is valid as long as two parties are committed to supporting and maintaining their agreement.

Couples, who plan to live together or have lived together for a long period of time, sometimes face difficulties in sticking to their relational principles for many various reasons. Difficulty in internalizing relational principles goes back to what parents, educators and society as a whole has taught both parties when they are very young.

The relational principles may vary from one relationship to another and they may be introduced to every relationship differently. However, the core principles seem to be the same in every relationship; everyone wants to be treated fairly and respectfully; and everyone wants for his/her relational life what brings comfort, joy, connection and closeness to intimate relationships.

Every person walks into an intimate relationship with her/his own life experiences. No one requires having any particular education or a degree before entering into intimate relationships. We learn and understand more about our own personal ethics and our relational principles as we experience relationships/ life. It seems that the richness of life depends on the quality of relationships we are in. Relationships have significant impact on our identities.

Couples are, sometimes, caught into the pattern of “I–It” (Martin Buber, 1979) relationship and connect with one another as objects. Couples may be convinced through external forces to shape their intimate relationships based on viewing each other as ‘It’ and relating to each other as a means to their own personal ends. When individuals are objectified in intimate relationships, the quality of relationship is reduced due to the objectification of persons. The major problem with this pattern of connection is the absence of “You”; the absence of the other party as a person, as a being.

At a different state, couples realize that their relationship is not fulfilling; they are not seen as valued beings; they feel loss even though they are, physically, present in relationships; they become insensitive and indifferent to each other’s presence; and their worlds become apart and disconnected. When one is not cared or loved for who he/she is but for means that brings to relationship, when his/her beings is not valued as a person but for means that provides in relationship, an intimate relationship is about to go sour and collapse.

Relationships collapse when couples are trapped into the pattern of “I-It”. “I- It” based relationships don’t have a capacity to last and fulfill relational needs of parties; it serves couples temporarily. When couples are not satisfied, they tend to search for another It. Affair, abuse, addictions, etc are signs of disconnection from one’s own values/principles.

The pattern of “I-It” perpetuates and maintains itself in people’s life by convincing couples to replace one “It” with another one; it prevents couples from taking initiatives to dismantle the pattern of “I- It”. Becoming free from the pattern of “I-It” is not easy due to its history in one’s life; it requires reconnecting to one’s ethics, revising relational ethics and adapting a broader perspective that includes ‘the other’ as a being in one’s life.

In my sessions with couples, I engage couples to think and talk about their relational principles and support them to form patterns of “I-You” in intimate relationships. We explore what constitutes and supports the pattern of “I-It” in their lives and discover ways of reconnecting with personal ethics to build a foundation for relational principles in intimate relationships.

If you know couples who want to unwrap themselves from the pattern of “I-It”, please feel free to pass them on my information. For further information visit my website: http://www.taherehbarati.com

Happy possibilities!

Tahereh Barati

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Single Mothers’ Story!

24 Tuesday Jan 2012

Posted by in Articles, Reflection, sharing success stories

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‘Single mothers’ experience significant difficulties with raising their children alone, living without partners, and supporting their family financially, and so on.  Here is the story of a single mother, Sue, who points out social problems that led to her current status in society as a single parent.

Sue came to my office to talk about the ‘stress’ that she had been experiencing for a few years.  She talked about the responsibility of taking care of two children, 7 and 11, her full time job responsibility, and isolation as contributing factors to the ‘stress’.  She felt it was very difficult to take care of and fulfill all the responsibilities alone.

Despite the reasons that lead to ‘single parenting’, we all know that ‘single parenting’ is not a desirable status for anyone in family; everyone in the family is affected by this phenomenon. For instance, children may grow up without fathers, mothers may take many responsibilities to fulfill family obligations; and fathers may experience further isolation and disconnection from their families and loved ones.

Sue shared the effects of ‘stress’ on her as a mother and as a person. She named the major source of ‘stress’ as the following: her responsibilities and family obligations, children’s lives and their education and their future. These have been significantly overwhelming to her. She was proud of herself to be able to provide a safe and violence- free environment for her children but she felt overwhelmed and exhausted by all responsibilities.

In one of our sessions, she questioned what society has been doing for men to address their personal concerns. We talked about the barriers for men to get help.  We reviewed and reflected on the historical, cultural and social reasons that prevented men for many decades to avoid expressing themselves. We discussed the presence of invisible pressures, abuse and violence in young boys’ life and their effects on their adulthood.

Sue was very concerned about raising her two sons without father; she was afraid of the negative effects of not having any particular male figure in their lives.

We explored some pragmatic practical solutions to address her children’s needs.  However, we acknowledged that she was voicing a very important concern in our society and her problems weren’t only hers. Those concerns are, as a matter of fact, our social problems.  She said her dream is to increase social awareness and address this predicament socially.

I would like to share with you some ideas that we explored in our meetings as possible ways of preventing the expansion of ‘single parenting’ in our society. They are as follows:

▪    De-stigmatize and encourage men to ask for help when needed

▪    Support men to repair and develop ‘trust’ in their intimate relationships

▪    Support ‘fathers without father’ and assist them with their personal social concerns

▪    Promote non- patriarchal ways of connecting with women

▪    Discussion on equality and its impact on relationships between men and women

▪    Promote both genders to learn how to respond to one another in a non- confrontational and non- aggressive ways

▪    Support both genders resolve conflicts/ disagreements peacefuly

▪    Increase both genders’ understanding of their personal power and ethics

▪    and more …

Please share if you have some ideas in this regrad.

Hope to create a new pathway to healthy, connecting and trusting relationships!

Happy Possibilities!

She is Alive!

05 Thursday Jan 2012

Posted by in Reflection, videos

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What has to be done to save our environment?  What could and/or should be done to protect our environment? Why don’t our officials pay attention to the importance of the mother earth and her health?

This is a beautiful footage, a series of photos and a strong message to all of us to be more mindful of what happens to our mother earth.  In remembering those who lost their lives to make a difference!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=nGeXdv-uPaw

Happy Possibilities!