Tag Archives: human relationship

Why Conflict? (Re-post)

10 Friday Jun 2016

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I thought I would re-post this post as I see the presence of unnecessary suffering due to the unnecessary conflicts in human relationships. Hope you find it useful.

Why do you think people get into a heated talk? Why and how is Conflict formed in a relationship? Is it possible people communicate and resolve differences without hatred and resentment?

I think the condition that forms, fuels and escalates Conflict in human relationships our collective inability to enter into the Zone of Extremism.

I believe the long-lasting conflict in human relationships is a byproduct of our extreme positions/stances on issues that matter to us.  We may have lots of reasons to become ‘for or against’ an idea but when we enter into a conversation, it is important to be open to others’ point of views.  The belief that the stance we take is the only way, the only truth, and the best solution, leads us to conflicts.  This is what i call ‘the zone of extremism’. The zone that brings us harm than good; the zone that locks us into polarized positions and the zone that make us stuck in a gridlock for a long time.

These are the possible conditions for entering into the ‘zone of Extremism’:

  • When we only talk about the extreme condition of situations
  • When we exaggerate outcomes or consequences of actions or beliefs
  • When we hold the opposite stance much longer than it needed
  • When we hold 100% for or against position on an idea during the entire conversion
  • When we don’t deliberately switch our positions to see things from the other’s point of view.

The solution may seem to be apparent, however, it is difficult to achieve at times.  What makes it difficult is the influence of ‘the zone of extremism’ on both parties involved in conversations.  Awareness is required prior to entering into any conversation. To develop awareness and consciousness, we need to consider paying attention to the following:

  • Give ‘benefit of doubt’ to the other party’s talk
  • Share ideas without attempting to convince the other
  • Take a listening position to hear the other party’s ideas
  • Stay away from dogmatism and division (the zone of extremism)
  • Make deliberate intentional efforts to reduce your 100% devotion/loyalty to your stance. This way the other party is better able to express herself/ himself.

Remember, there is some truth in every idea; everything that we know about ourselves and our conditions is part of our collective human knowledge; and human knowledge is NOT complete, pure, and absolute.

Happy Possibilities,

Tahereh Barati, RMFT

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Every Bomb Dropped Is A Failure Of The Imagination!

14 Monday Jul 2014

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The current situation in Middle East is disturbing. Every bomb dropped is a failure of imagination and is against humanity.

Release.

An injured child during Operation Pillar of Defense in 2012.

Israel has, for the third time in just five years, commenced a major bombing operation on the Gaza strip. Over a hundred and fifty Palestinians have been killed, most of them civilians. As it was the last three times, my response is sorrow and anger — a strangely physical sensation of anger as a burning in my chest.

It’s easy, even for someone such as myself, who has been following the conflict for years with resignation, to look first at the political significance of the conflict and the strategic policy goals of the war and how it affects the broader conflict.

That’s not what we should be thinking about right now. We should remember instead what war means: it means destruction and death. It means homes destroyed, lives snuffed out; children crushed to death by falling buildings; amputations, hearing loss, perforated…

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Dream!

07 Saturday Jun 2014

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Dream never dies even if it is old

Dream never dies even if it is not popular

My dream never dies even if it is not supported by you!

Dream Dream Dream

Without dream, life has no meaning

Without dream, life has no direction

Without dream, my time is wasted by you!

Dream dream Dream

 

Tahereh Barati

Reflection on Philomena!

04 Tuesday Mar 2014

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I saw Philomena the other day. Like you, I enjoyed the depth of emotions presented in the movie. Such a fresh great story. If you haven’t seen this movie, it is highly recommended!

As I was watching it,  many questions were developing in my mind. Questions like these: Why did she decide to forgive the church? What contributed to her ability to forgive? Did her personal religious beliefs make the forgiveness possible to her? Did her son’s political positions influence her decision to forgive? What made her have a strong determination not to be like those who practice ‘anger’?  Does she see forgiveness a response/solution to conflicts?…

As i was overwhelmed by these questions, the placement of the journalist – Martin Sixsmith- became more visible to me. He wasn’t an average Joe; he was a journalist, a so-called expert investigating a story about a lost child.  Martin’s particular position got my attention; he was actively participating in unpacking and unfolding the untold well-kept story.

Questions were pouring to my consciousness; for instance, what is his role in re- storing Philomena’s experience? He was invited to help with investigation but there was no explicit or implicit permission given to him to take on the job alone; as It was very clear throughout the movie.  How did he restrain himself not to go beyond what Philomena asked?  If he was given permission to take on the leading role in retelling the story, could he add his own views, attitudes towards Church in this story? Could he influence the process of storytelling? What stopped him from not intruding and re-authoring Philomena’s story for Philomena?

I was amazed and pleased with the way he was positioned in this movie. He followed ethics that have been overlooked in our professional world! What he did could be called as ‘relational ethics’ in storytelling.

The way we, helping professionals , conduct ourselves, regulate our emotions, and hold on to our beliefs is critical to how stories are narrated and re-told. We, as a witness to people’s stories, need to be mindful of our responsibilities to those who consult with us. We need to be reminded of not adding our own resentment, anger or assumptions to their stories. We need to constantly re-pace ourselves to be in sync with our clients, not oppress their voices and not re-write their experiences of hardship and trauma. We need to be cognizant of putting pieces of stories into its own contexts, time and place and not evaluate them according to our today’s standards. These actions are what i call as ‘relational ethics’.

I believe having ‘relational ethics’ allows us to prevent conflicts from reshaping our life. ‘Relational Ethics’ allows us to be able to develop close deep understanding of the past events. It supports stories to remain fresh, effective, alive and influential throughout the human history!

Happy Possibilities!

Tahereh Barati

Gifts of Spiritual Journey- 1!

10 Thursday Oct 2013

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“El Camino de Santiago” has been a destination for many individuals who seek spiritual mental and emotional connection with something bigger than oneself.  I decided to experience this journey this year in September.

One of the gifts of this journey for me has been the development of a new realization that ‘words’ are not really necessary/essential for understanding and connection in human relationship.

I came to realize that when we take time, slow down and make a close eye contact with the world around us, we hear, see and feel things differently; our senses function more effectively. I found ‘words’ as obstacles to my attention to and my understanding of the world.

Perhaps rich understanding and deep connection in human relationship is possible with valuing ‘silence’ and total ‘presence’-  silence that allows us to listen deeply to one another; and mental, emotional and physical presence that opens up space for much deeper understanding of one another.

The keys to understanding and connection are to be comfortable with ‘silence’ and be more ‘present’; not to have more fancy ‘words’ and intellectual debates!

Tahereh Barati, M.A, RMFT

Language & Comedy

19 Friday Apr 2013

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I have been, lately, thinking of language that used in comedy. Comedians use language in a very special unique way that appeals to people. This unique language points out discrepancies that exist in our social cultural discourses in a fashion that opens up space for laughter, conversations and reflection.

I discovered that this language has certain characteristics, they are the following:

a) It is brief:  When a story or an event is shared, it is pretty short and brief. It is straight to points; you don’t need to discover different parts of an argument, it is delivered to you right away.

b) It is imaginative: It is used to make you laugh, give you a mental ticklish, and stimulate your imagination. The problems are presented in a playful manner.

c) It is solution- oriented: It is offers alternative ways of dealing with problems and make solutions to problems more accessible. Big unshakable problems appear to be trivial and easy to solve.

d) It questions everything. It doesn’t follow any particular social norm. It expresses what is unsaid or politically incorrect .

f) It is self- deprecating.  It unpacks one’s life; It doesn’t tend to protect one’s ego or oneself. It mocks himself and others without any hesitation. it invites you to become OK with vulnerability.

g) It is not outcome- oriented: It is not invested on outcome. It shares info and knowledge without insisting on any particular result. Its purpose is to pass on experiences and have fun with them.

As you see, it is a very unique language.  If this language entertains us, I wonder, why it is not practiced in our daily interactions with one another. Any ideas?

Happy Possibilities!

Tahereh Barati, M.A, RMFT

Metaphor & Therapy

27 Sunday May 2012

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Sometimes people, who experience conflicts with themselves or others or situations, need a new lens to look at themselves, others and situations differently. People are experts, resourceful and knowledgeable in their lives. What prevents people, sometimes, from accessing their own resources and knowledge is that they zoom into their problems too closely; therefore, their ability to locate everything in its own place and see things in a broader context is compromised and minimized.

In my therapeutic conversations with individuals and couples, I use metaphors to widen people’s perspective to allow them to see things from various angles. I use metaphors to assist them to see what constitutes and feeds their problems. People usually respond to metaphors in a meaningful way. Metaphors are to help people to re-view their actions or thinkings in a new way and support them to see how they somehow contribute to the presence of problems in their life.

“A therapeutic metaphor is an experience that allows one to learn about more than just that experience” (Wikipedia). Metaphors that i use in my therapeutic conversations include short stories or poems or songs.

A metaphor allows one to compare his/her situation with what is said in a story or in lyrics of a poem or song; it makes one identify some similarities and resemblance between two situations. The symbolic representation of one’s situation in a story or song or poem affects one’s thinking and allows a new meaning or explanation to form.  This new meaning or explanation can lead to a possible solution to one’s predicament. Metaphors somehow connect the dots for a person and supports him/her to make a new sense of his/her situation.

In one of my sessions with Vikki, I played a song for her. She listened to the song and became tearful.  Vikki is an individual who had experienced ‘abuse’ and had practiced ‘self blaming’ for years. The song affected her greatly and brought a new realization to her. It made her change the way she thought of herself.   She took the lyrics  into heart and said to me that she has been carrying a huge responsibility for so many years; she needed to place the blame where it was belonged to; she didn’t want to carry it anymore”.  We carried on our conversations for a few more sessions when she was able to free herself from the ‘misplaced blame’.

Metaphors carry power, insight, and wisdom. When they are used appropriately, when they resonate with people’s life story, they make a significant difference in people’s life.  Metaphors have ability to shed light on people’s understanding of self, others and situations.   When they are used in therapeutic conversations, people’s awareness is exponentially increased and consequently the desired change takes place in their lives.

Happy Possibilities,

Tahereh Barati, M.A, RMFT