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Tag Archives: patriarchy

Love & Violence!

08 Wednesday May 2013

Posted by Tahereh Barati, PhD in Articles, Reflection

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abuse, Aggression, Amour, Conflicts, cultural values, democracy, domination, empowerment, human relationships, Land, love, patriarchy, power balance, refusal acts, Social discources, tradition, violence, War, War Machine

Violence has many forms, levels and degrees; for instance, violence between men and women, violence between generations, violence between races, cultures and religions in a society and international violence between countries.

Most violence are ironically related to love; love for a person, love for God, love for democracy, love for land, love for …..

Do you think it is possible to love without any desire to possession, domination and control? Is it possible to love without being intrusive, without eliminating and limiting others’ freedom and wishes in life?

As we know, traditional patriarchal relationships have changed in western countries and women have fought for their advancements in the past few decades.  This social cultural shift has not happened in eastern countries. It seems that eastern countries are experiencing what western countries went through in 1950s.  This transition, as hard as it may be, is necessary.

Women in eastern countries are in transition; they are in the process of change; they began to question patriarchal traditions as well as their own roles in family and society.  They take initiatives to invite new ideas to their lives but social cultural and legal support are not there yet.

Why do you think love and violence got linked together? Who gets benefits from this marriage? Why do we attach positive meanings to acts of violence at times? What is the role of social discourses in this? Why have not we learned to love without exercising possession domination and violence?  What are the barriers to experiencing love without violence? Any ideas?

We intuitively know that love and violence don’t mix. We know that love is not genuinely experienced/ felt at presence of violence.  We know that any signs of violence-  possession, domination, aggression- is destructive to love. Why is it that this knowing is not included when interacting with one another?

To reduce violence in our interactions, we need to review our cultural values and beliefs; we need to separate destructive behaviours from acts that signify love.  We can not practice violence, domination and possession and name them as acts of love.  Love is damaged when violence, domination and possession are practiced in relationship.

Let’s resist accepting traditions that maintain the presence of violence in our life. Let’s open our eyes, see things differently and do things differently!

Happy Possibilities!

Tahereh Barati, M.A, RMFT

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‘Fellini’s Casanova’ & Culture of Patriarchy!

31 Sunday Mar 2013

Posted by Tahereh Barati, PhD in Articles, Reflection

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accountability, Casanova, Cluture of patriarchy, empathy, Fellini, Individualistic values, patriarchy, relational culture, relationship

Movies are venues to express cultural beliefs and exhibit clashes in ideas and beliefs that have been dominated/subordinated in our culture.

I recently watched one of Fellini’s movies; ‘Fellini’s Casanova’. It was directed by Federico Fellini and starring Donald Sutherland.  It is  a stunning movie showing how the ‘culture of patriarchy’ governs man’s life and his interactions with women.

As I watched the movie, many thoughts and ideas were running into my head.  The movie reignited my thinking of ‘the culture of patriarchy’ and of its effects on men and women and their relationships with one another. I began to list the problems with the ‘culture of patriarchy’ and would like to share with you some of them. They are the following:

a) Patriarchal culture promotes ‘power over’.  It doesn’t give men a space to be part of relationship but it makes him feel/think/act above the relationship.

b) Patriarchal culture exempts men from emotions; it disconnects men from who he is, as a person, in relationship; it doesn’t allow men to be vulnerable.

c) Patriarchal culture uses ‘shame’ as a controlling technique to keep men align with its principles.

The ‘culture of patriarchy’ denies and exaggerates parts of manhood/ person-hood. It injects ‘false empowerment’ to men when it supports ‘power over’ in relationship. The damaging consequence of ‘false empowerment’ is the reproduction of disconnection; disconnection that leads to isolation, lack of empathy and lack of accountability.

In patriarchal culture, men are emptied of realtionality and then filled with stuff (false empowerment, entitlement and disconnection) and sent out to be in relationship. How could one connect with another one when s/he is not relationally able to be/feel connected with others? It is a tough expectation.

Therefore, any failure brings ‘shame’ to one’s life and makes him further isolated and disconnected.   The cycle of ‘disconnection’ is perpetuated in the patriarchal culture; its intention is to keep men disconnected from himself and others.

We need to begin to talk openly about its consequences on our men and women. We need to become more aware of what it has done to our relationships with one another. We need to begin a new movement to eliminate ‘the culture patriarchy’ and re-create a culture that values and promotes ‘connection’.  We need to support ‘relational culture’ that equally respects participation and collaboration of men and women in relationship.

The antidote to ‘the culture of patriarchy’ is to learn and teach ourselves and our next generations new principles such as: ‘connection (think relationally), empathy (feel relationally), and accountability (act relationally)’ in relationship.

Happy Possibilities!

Tahereh Barati, M.A, RMFT

‘relational beings’.

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Patriarchy and Honour Killing!

02 Thursday Feb 2012

Posted by Tahereh Barati, PhD in Articles, Reflection

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abuse, change, communities, cultural norms., culture, democracy, east vs west, enlightenment, family, history, honour killing, human rights, military, misuse of power, patriarchy, political system, power, rule of law, tyranny

The practice of ‘honour killing’ has been around for many many centuries. The origin of ‘honour killings’ and the control of women are evidenced throughout history in the culture and tradition of many regions.

Honour killing is rooted in patriarchy.  ‘Honour killing’ is an unjust act; it is a justification for the selfish egocentric act when men’s power is challenged, and it is a calculated response to eliminate ones who disobey traditional norms.

Patriarchy is a social system in which the male gender role as the primary authority figure is central to social organization, and where fathers hold authority over women, children, and property. It implies the institutions of male rule and privilege and entails female subordination. (Wikipedia)

Patriarchy is an unjust social system that is oppressive to women. The right to live for women and children in families and communities is conditional to their obeying social and cultural norms and traditions.

Western societies have come a long way to establishing an egalitarian social system that honours gender differences and respects the right to live for every person in society and families.   Under the practice of the rule of law, patriarchy became less and less apparent and more and more restricted and limited in social interactions!

It is important to acknowledge that many social movements have played an important role in the reduction of patriarchy in western societies. Social movements such as human rights movement, the feminist movement and anti- oppression movement.

I believe there is a need for a global movement against patriarchy. Without intensive collective actions against patriarchy, ‘honour killing’ may continue in many different societies.

We need to begin a talk on the role of patriarchy in establishment and maintenance of tyrannies in the world. Tyranny and Patriarchy! Yes, they are linked together and feed each other off.

I believe that we need to put our acts and efforts together to aim and dismantle ‘patriarchy’.  Dismantling patriarchy doesn’t require wars, it doesn’t require strong military actions but it does require a grand vision. A vision that promotes peace, liberty and human rights among people despite any differences in gender, race, sexual orientation and religion…

Let’s ‘think globally and act locally’ to tackle patriarchy!

Happy Possibilities!

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Fathers without Fathers’ Story!

25 Wednesday Jan 2012

Posted by Tahereh Barati, PhD in Articles, Reflection, sharing success stories

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children, equality, ethics, fathers, further conversations, future generations, inner resources, next generation, patriarchy, responsibilities; family obligations, stress

As a family therapist, I am interested in inviting and involving men to counselling sessions. I believe that men have a lot to say about their relationships with their partners and children. What has prevented them from being more active and participant in their family life perhaps has to do with social, cultural and historical realities and/or myths that affected men for many centuries.

I am going to share with you one of the important contributing factors that influence family members’ interactions and relationships with one another.  This particular fact is ‘not growing up with a particular male figure like a father’.

Children with any family backgrounds (social and economic status, race, religion, culture, sexual orientation and ethnic backgrounds) are at risk of experiencing living and growing up without fathers. The important role of fathers in children’s life need to be more pronounced.

It is said our today men used to be fragile sensitive young boys.  Men used to be young boys who lived in family and possibly experienced hardship, abuse, and disconnection. ‘Growing up without fathers’ has significant impact on young boys’ identity as a person.

Some families with children, who seek counselling, are concerned about their children’s emotional and behavioural and social wellbeing. When we talk about children’s difficulties, we often realize that parents’ personal and emotional difficulties play an important role on children’ social and emotional problems.

It is clear that the wellbeing of children is linked to the wellbeing of their parents; particularly, when children are young.  Creating a safe and trusting environment for ‘fathers without fathers’ to speak about their experiences of hardship and difficulties is a key to supporting ‘fathers without fathers’ to re-connect with themselves and their children.

In our counselling sessions, ‘fathers without fathers’ shared the effects of dominant cultural myths/expectations on men and their roles in family. They expressed their experiences of disconnection, pressure, and confusion around their roles in relationships with other men as well as with women and children.

Men who shared their wisdom and challenges in our sessions were very enthusiastic about their part in changing the dominant cultural beliefs about men. They felt that initiating conversations in a safe environment is the first step to tackle this social problem.  They expressed their willingness to support other men to become more comfortable with sharing and addressing their emotional social problems.

Their wisdom and knowledge were noted during our conversations. I got their permission to share with you some of their ideas that generated in our conversations.   They are as follows:

▪    We, men, collectively need to challenge ‘superhero’ ideas about the role of men in family and adjust our expectations to make them more realistic and collaborative

▪    We, as a community of men, need to get together and dissect the dominant discourses about manhood which are supported by social and cultural beliefs

▪     We, men, need to encourage each other to work with our partners and utilize each other’s strengths instead of perpetuating male domination discourse.

▪    We, as a community, need to fund programs that address what ‘fathers without fathers’ experienced in the past, that support men to develop new relationships with themselves and others, and shape their identity as a person.

  • We, men, are hopeful that our actions be beneficial to our children and make them more connected to themselves, their family members and their communities.

Hope our collective ideas and actions bring new possibilities to people’s lives!

Happy Possibilities!

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Single Mothers’ Story!

24 Tuesday Jan 2012

Posted by Tahereh Barati, PhD in Articles, Reflection, sharing success stories

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

children, equality, ethics, fathers, future generations, health, next generation, patriarchy, possibilities, responsibilities; family obligations, single moms, stress, violence

‘Single mothers’ experience significant difficulties with raising their children alone, living without partners, and supporting their family financially, and so on.  Here is the story of a single mother, Sue, who points out social problems that led to her current status in society as a single parent.

Sue came to my office to talk about the ‘stress’ that she had been experiencing for a few years.  She talked about the responsibility of taking care of two children, 7 and 11, her full time job responsibility, and isolation as contributing factors to the ‘stress’.  She felt it was very difficult to take care of and fulfill all the responsibilities alone.

Despite the reasons that lead to ‘single parenting’, we all know that ‘single parenting’ is not a desirable status for anyone in family; everyone in the family is affected by this phenomenon. For instance, children may grow up without fathers, mothers may take many responsibilities to fulfill family obligations; and fathers may experience further isolation and disconnection from their families and loved ones.

Sue shared the effects of ‘stress’ on her as a mother and as a person. She named the major source of ‘stress’ as the following: her responsibilities and family obligations, children’s lives and their education and their future. These have been significantly overwhelming to her. She was proud of herself to be able to provide a safe and violence- free environment for her children but she felt overwhelmed and exhausted by all responsibilities.

In one of our sessions, she questioned what society has been doing for men to address their personal concerns. We talked about the barriers for men to get help.  We reviewed and reflected on the historical, cultural and social reasons that prevented men for many decades to avoid expressing themselves. We discussed the presence of invisible pressures, abuse and violence in young boys’ life and their effects on their adulthood.

Sue was very concerned about raising her two sons without father; she was afraid of the negative effects of not having any particular male figure in their lives.

We explored some pragmatic practical solutions to address her children’s needs.  However, we acknowledged that she was voicing a very important concern in our society and her problems weren’t only hers. Those concerns are, as a matter of fact, our social problems.  She said her dream is to increase social awareness and address this predicament socially.

I would like to share with you some ideas that we explored in our meetings as possible ways of preventing the expansion of ‘single parenting’ in our society. They are as follows:

▪    De-stigmatize and encourage men to ask for help when needed

▪    Support men to repair and develop ‘trust’ in their intimate relationships

▪    Support ‘fathers without father’ and assist them with their personal social concerns

▪    Promote non- patriarchal ways of connecting with women

▪    Discussion on equality and its impact on relationships between men and women

▪    Promote both genders to learn how to respond to one another in a non- confrontational and non- aggressive ways

▪    Support both genders resolve conflicts/ disagreements peacefuly

▪    Increase both genders’ understanding of their personal power and ethics

▪    and more …

Please share if you have some ideas in this regrad.

Hope to create a new pathway to healthy, connecting and trusting relationships!

Happy Possibilities!

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