Tag Archives: Relational Being

What Sustains Relationship?

01 Friday Jan 2016

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Every person walks into a relationship with her/his own life experiences. No one enters into someone’s life for no reason. Its reasons may be invisible to us but there are some purposes in our social engagements. One benefit of social engagement is to develop our own principles/ethics in life. We learn about our own personal and relational ethics/principles when we enter into life experiences of others. The richness of our life depends on the quality of relationships we are in. Relationships have significant influences on who we are and how we are with the Other.

Buber (1979) differentiates relationships focusing on the Other as “Thou” from those  viewing the Other as ‘It”. Those of us caught in the pattern of “I–It” relationship connect with the Other as an object. The Other as ‘It’ becomes a means to our own personal ends. The “I” is driven/directed by his/her own egocentric needs. The Other is set at a distance and the “I” don’t attempt to experience the Other’s side. The Other is absent as a person, as a being, in the relationship. The Other is a means to an end rather than being a partner in dialogue. The “I-It” relationship is monological and subjective rather than dialogical and inter-human.

In an “I- Thou” relationship, unlike “I – It”, a person turns toward the Other and confirms his or her being.  The “I- Thou” relationship is characterized by “mutuality, directness, present-ness, intensity, and ineffability” (Friedman, 1960).

Relationships collapse when people are trapped in an “I-It” relationship. “I- It” relationship doesn’t have the capacity to last and fulfill relational needs of parties. In the “I- It” engagement, we constantly search for another “It” to bring us joy and happiness; nothing seems to be enough. Treating and viewing the Other as “It” is a recipe for disaster which closes down potential venues to personal and relational growth. The only way out is our awareness to search for ways of reconnecting to our principles/ethics to re-connect with the Other in a new way.

We are able to transform an “I-It’ encounter to an “I-Thou” relationship.  What makes it possible lies in our ability to revise our ethics in the relationship; to become responsible to the Other. This is the only way to identification and reconstruction of our personal and relational ethics. This is a gateway to experiencing ourselves as “relational beings” (Gergen 2009). When we enter into the “I- Thou” relationship, we become part of an open ever-evolving process. There is no endpoint or a tangible goal. We become multi-dimensional and, then, larger than life.

Think about relationships that you are in. When thinking of the quality of your relationship with the Other person, how do you describe the Other person? Has the Other person become an “It” or “Thou”? There is a direct link between your problems in the relationship and you viewing the Other as “It”. Review your ethics and redraw the definition of your relationship with the Other. When doing so, you would be amazed to see what becomes possible to you.

Happy possibilities!

Tahereh Barati

 

Why Controlling Behaviours?

12 Tuesday Mar 2013

Posted by in Articles, Reflection

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In my conversations with people who defined themselves as ‘controlling’ or ‘recovering from controlling habits’, i came to realize that controlling behaviours are not what we can recover from; controlling behaviours are expressions of what one gives value to. Controlling behaviours are indications of how one positions himself in relationship. Controlling behaviours are expressions of misuse of power, pursuit of single ‘truth’, and a need for certainty.

To me, relationship defines two people; relationship is a great container for two people to relate to one another. When two parties don’t give value to their relationship that holds them, they are more likely driven by behaviours that self- interested and self-centered; behaviours that are not relationship- centered.

We live in a society that promotes individualistic values and that prescribes self- centered ideologies in life. Individualistic values tend to allow individuals to stay focused on and take care of their own benefits when they are in relationship. This tendency to safeguard one’s own interests, only, is the reason for the presence of controlling behaviours in relationship.

The individualistic culture allows controlling behaviours to exist in relationship and supports individuals to exercise their power over another one.   Consequently, what happens is that relationship suffers and individuals feel disconnected from one another and individuals go in a separate way.

The alternative idea to have relational approach; to think relationally, to privilege the benefits of being part of relationship and to act/ respond relationally to support  one’s relationship with one another.  Relational responses allow individuals to take care of their relational interests instead of falling into a power struggle pattern and exhibiting controlling behaviours in relationship.

Happy Possibilities!

Tahereh Barati, M.A, RMFT