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Tag Archives: relational responsibilities

What Sustains Relationship?

01 Friday Jan 2016

Posted by Tahereh Barati, PhD in Articles

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connection, ethics, happiness, I- Thou Relationship, Relational Being, relational responsibilities, relationship, Sustainability

Every person walks into a relationship with her/his own life experiences. No one enters into someone’s life for no reason. Its reasons may be invisible to us but there are some purposes in our social engagements. One benefit of social engagement is to develop our own principles/ethics in life. We learn about our own personal and relational ethics/principles when we enter into life experiences of others. The richness of our life depends on the quality of relationships we are in. Relationships have significant influences on who we are and how we are with the Other.

Buber (1979) differentiates relationships focusing on the Other as “Thou” from those  viewing the Other as ‘It”. Those of us caught in the pattern of “I–It” relationship connect with the Other as an object. The Other as ‘It’ becomes a means to our own personal ends. The “I” is driven/directed by his/her own egocentric needs. The Other is set at a distance and the “I” don’t attempt to experience the Other’s side. The Other is absent as a person, as a being, in the relationship. The Other is a means to an end rather than being a partner in dialogue. The “I-It” relationship is monological and subjective rather than dialogical and inter-human.

In an “I- Thou” relationship, unlike “I – It”, a person turns toward the Other and confirms his or her being.  The “I- Thou” relationship is characterized by “mutuality, directness, present-ness, intensity, and ineffability” (Friedman, 1960).

Relationships collapse when people are trapped in an “I-It” relationship. “I- It” relationship doesn’t have the capacity to last and fulfill relational needs of parties. In the “I- It” engagement, we constantly search for another “It” to bring us joy and happiness; nothing seems to be enough. Treating and viewing the Other as “It” is a recipe for disaster which closes down potential venues to personal and relational growth. The only way out is our awareness to search for ways of reconnecting to our principles/ethics to re-connect with the Other in a new way.

We are able to transform an “I-It’ encounter to an “I-Thou” relationship.  What makes it possible lies in our ability to revise our ethics in the relationship; to become responsible to the Other. This is the only way to identification and reconstruction of our personal and relational ethics. This is a gateway to experiencing ourselves as “relational beings” (Gergen 2009). When we enter into the “I- Thou” relationship, we become part of an open ever-evolving process. There is no endpoint or a tangible goal. We become multi-dimensional and, then, larger than life.

Think about relationships that you are in. When thinking of the quality of your relationship with the Other person, how do you describe the Other person? Has the Other person become an “It” or “Thou”? There is a direct link between your problems in the relationship and you viewing the Other as “It”. Review your ethics and redraw the definition of your relationship with the Other. When doing so, you would be amazed to see what becomes possible to you.

Happy possibilities!

Tahereh Barati

 

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Culture of competition/domination @ workplace!

11 Thursday Apr 2013

Posted by Tahereh Barati, PhD in Articles, Reflection

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alternatives, collaboration, competition, controlling behaviours, cooperation, domination, emotional abuse, empathy, imposition, managment, relational responsibilities, subtle abuse, support, workplaces

Every workplace develops its own culture; employees and employers have impact on and participate in the formation the culture of workplace. We contribute to its formation by being active, responsive, passive, silent, or indifferent…

‘Culture of competition/domination’ is seen as the most noticeable culture in our workplaces nowadays. This culture fuels most conflicts among people at workplaces and damages our relationships and interactions with one another.

The presence of ‘culture of competition/domination’ prevents people from experience of togetherness, cooperation and empathy. It eliminates and diminishes possibilities to collaboration and exploration of ideas. It silences actions that give space to alternative ways of working together at workplace.

Many people are fired/ resigned from their workplaces; mostly because their effort to reduce the presence of ‘disconnection, imposition and domination’ was minimized; or because both parties weren’t able to resolve differences and conflicts; or because a vital system that encourages a fair decision- making process, support, acknowledgment and shared vision , is missing at workplace and so forth.

I believe we would have a better world if we stand up to the ‘culture of competition/domination’ and begin to explore fundamental principles such as cooperation, respect, collaboration and reciprocity at workplace.

If we can do that, we can really change our world, our workplace. When we begin to create new forms and structures that reflect on our values and our desire for work that is characterized by these principles, we will have a workplace that is built on cooperation and reciprocity and mutual contributions.

I believe both employees and employers need to look into themselves and revise their responses to each other. We need to take initiatives to change the undesirable culture of workplace. Employees and employers need to take responsibility for their own part and respond to the culture of ‘competition/domination’ differently.

Let’s resist the temptation of ignoring/dismissing/and denying these events in our workplace, and take a moment to reflect on what is actually happening at our workplace and how we can make a difference.

Happy Possibilities,

Tahereh Barati, M.A, RMFT

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Someone said Evil Eye! What is it?

08 Monday Apr 2013

Posted by Tahereh Barati, PhD in Articles, Reflection

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

awareness, consciousness, energy, negative energy, relational beings, relational ethics, relational exchange, relational responsibilities, relationships

I had a lovely talk with a friend who was very excited about her recent achievements. As she was sharing her success stories, she mentioned her worries for the presence of ‘evil eye’ in relationships.  She said sometimes people are not happy about one’s achievement; their unhappy feelings cause one not to be able to continue what she plans to achieve in life. She called that as ‘evil eye’ – negativity that prevents people from getting what they try hard for…

The word ‘evil eye’ got my attention; I began to think more about its origin and how it became part of human relationship, what it means, and if it really exist.

The more i thought of it, the more it became a fascinating subject, and the more questions pop up in my mind. For instance,  Is it from our negative thought about others? Or is it something that exchanged between people? …

I see ‘evil eye’ as a ‘negative energy’ that forms in relationship.  This energy  is co-constructed as we speak and share ideas and stories. I believe everything has an impact… Sharing success stories impact people; some may like, some may dislike, some may become more curious and some may become indifferent to what we share with them. …

Since everything has an impact, we affect one another in every relational transactions. We are influenced by energy exchanged between us; we mutually influence one another by our words, positions, and postures that we take in relation to what is being exchanged.

We (you and I) are part of this exchange; the way we share, the way we tell our stories, the way we position ourselves to one another, the way we non-verbally express ourselves contribute to responses that we give to one another.

To reduce ‘the impact of ‘evil eye’ – what i call ‘relational negative energy’- on our relationship, it is important to become more aware of how we share and what words/ posture we take when expressing our success stories.  When we look closely into our contribution to the reproduction of ‘negative energy’, we become more mindful of our way of telling and re-telling and consequently its impact on others. This might be a way to immune our relationship from this negative energy.

Happy Possibilities,

Tahereh Barati, M.A, RMFT

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Why Controlling Behaviours?

12 Tuesday Mar 2013

Posted by Tahereh Barati, PhD in Articles, Reflection

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

Collective ideas, Contolling behaviours, Individualistic values, Individulaistic culutre, Power Control; Power Struggle;, Relational Being, relational responsibilities, relationship

In my conversations with people who defined themselves as ‘controlling’ or ‘recovering from controlling habits’, i came to realize that controlling behaviours are not what we can recover from; controlling behaviours are expressions of what one gives value to. Controlling behaviours are indications of how one positions himself in relationship. Controlling behaviours are expressions of misuse of power, pursuit of single ‘truth’, and a need for certainty.

To me, relationship defines two people; relationship is a great container for two people to relate to one another. When two parties don’t give value to their relationship that holds them, they are more likely driven by behaviours that self- interested and self-centered; behaviours that are not relationship- centered.

We live in a society that promotes individualistic values and that prescribes self- centered ideologies in life. Individualistic values tend to allow individuals to stay focused on and take care of their own benefits when they are in relationship. This tendency to safeguard one’s own interests, only, is the reason for the presence of controlling behaviours in relationship.

The individualistic culture allows controlling behaviours to exist in relationship and supports individuals to exercise their power over another one.   Consequently, what happens is that relationship suffers and individuals feel disconnected from one another and individuals go in a separate way.

The alternative idea to have relational approach; to think relationally, to privilege the benefits of being part of relationship and to act/ respond relationally to support  one’s relationship with one another.  Relational responses allow individuals to take care of their relational interests instead of falling into a power struggle pattern and exhibiting controlling behaviours in relationship.

Happy Possibilities!

Tahereh Barati, M.A, RMFT

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Art of Relating!

30 Sunday Sep 2012

Posted by Tahereh Barati, PhD in Articles

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criticism, culture, Desire, Feedback, Identity, intimate relationships, Judgment, listening, openness, Otherness, people, personal ethics, reflection, relational responsibilities, relationships, self awareness, social discourse, talking

I came to a realization that Relating to one another is an art. I have learned that many of us have difficulty in Relating to others. This difficulty includes listening to others’ ideas and beliefs, responding preferably to others, accepting differences between ourselves and others and finally learning about the notion of ‘otherness’.

It seems that Relating is possible when we intentionally select and practice a few principles when interacting with one another. To me, Relating is a mutual process. Relating is not felt in vacuum; it is experienced when two persons allow themselves to be open to and influenced by one another.  The important principles that support the formation of experience of Relating to one another are ‘prohibition of judgment/ criticism in relationships and self/other awareness’.

When we enter into a relationship, our conversations are the points of entry to receiving or giving reflections to one another. This process of exchanging ideas lead to self-awareness and eventually to otherness.  Without relationships and conversations, Relating to one another is not experienced. We are products of our relationships and our identities are formed in relationships. Thus, principles are not constructed in relationships automatically or by accident; they are constructed by mutual attention, intentionality and commitment of both parties in relationships. Relating to one another is possible when we creatively tune into each other and we deliberately pay attention to practicing relational principles in relationships!

Relating to each other is an intentional act.  The experience of Relating is not possible when the relational principles are neglected or impoverished in relationships. People experience emotional safety when both parties decide to exclude or put limits on the presence of judgment/ criticism.  When judgment/criticism is not practiced, people feel more comfortable to relate to each other and experience safety in relationship.  Experiencing emotional safety in relationship, therefore, invite understanding and further connections among people.

Relating is not possible without act of listening.  Listening makes people attune to ‘what and how’ things are exchanged in relationships. It increases people’s ability to change or modify the direction of conversations. Listening is overly talked about in relationship building books but it is underused in our daily conversations. What might possibly contribute to its difficulty to be practiced is some think listening means minimization and invalidation of their ideas. This way of thinking, which promoted in our cultural and social discourses, reinforces and invites judgment/criticism’ to our internal dialogues and consequently to our way of positioning ourselves to each other.

Listening, to me, is a practice of holding onto our own ideas loosely as we actively pay attention to what a person says. As actively listening, we may notice some differences/ similarities between our ideas and others’ and we may find out some gaps in our own thinking or others’.   In this process of identification, it is important not to feel threatened by differences but remain open to examine and re-view our own ideas.

Being OK with differences is resulted from a habit of ongoing reflection and willingness to re-view our own ideas and beliefs; it is an expression of viewing other ideas as valid, real and possible. Accepting differences is linked to the idea of multiplicity and multiple realities which is contrary to the dominant idea of searching for Truth. Truth seeking practice leads to elimination of other realities; it prevents people from Relating to one another; it encourages people to hold strong positions against others. Truth seeking practice limits the possibility of talking, exchanging ideas and understanding different point of views; it brings judgment and criticism to our lives and create divisions among us.

I wonder how often we find ourselves to re-view our own ideas and how often we tend to question the dominant ideas such this one.  Would you view your ideas as one idea among many or do you view them as the only truth? How do you think this way of thinking affect your relationships with others?

I found questions that deconstruct and shed light on the history of our ideas/ beliefs be useful to consider; for instance, questions such as: where my ideas/beliefs come from, why I chose this particular set of beliefs about others and so forth. Reflecting and questioning our views might open up space for new possibilities in our thinking and might lead to further self/ other awareness.

Self- awareness requires openness, practice of listening and understanding other’s point of views. We are not able to learn about our belief system without allowing others to shed light and reflect on various aspects of our ways of living/ our ways of responding to matters.  Self- awareness is somehow formed by our ability to listen to other views on us and by our willingness to reflect on our own ideas/beliefs.

What is important to keep in mind is ‘how’ we talk to each other. Do we deliberately pay attention to the importance of emotional safety of the other party when talking to a person? Do we make any effort to increase our awareness when interacting with others? Do we prohibit presence of any sign of judgment/criticism in our thinking when conversing with others?

It is also crucial to reflect on ‘how’ our talk makes a difference. Does our talk encourage us to re-think, re-view and have clarity on various matters or does it make us distance ourselves from each other?

With listening, sharing ideas and accepting differences, we may become further emotionally available to others and experience the joy of Relating to one another.

Happy possibilities,

Tahereh Barati, M.A, RMFT

http://www.taherehbarati.com

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